A new low

My eating disorder has hit a new level of insanity.  Since before Christmas I have been eating, more than I should but not always enough to be a normal amount.  That being the case, I haven’t dropped weight as quickly, going up a few pounds and then down a few, over and over.  The new and disturbing feature, however, is my obsession with passing out.  So I fast and force myself to keep going, despite being devoid of energy.  My hands shake, I get dizzy, but I haven’t passed out yet.  I almost did the other night.

Yes, I WANT to pass out.  In my mind, I’m only really sick enough to need help if I pass out.  And since no one irl has noticed or cared what I’m doing to myself, I also view passing out as a way of getting actual help.  Oh, sure, I could just tell someone that I want help; again, in my head, that means I’m not really sick.

I know what I’m doing is killing me.  I can feel my organs slowing down and struggling.  Things hurt, all the time.  I can’t remember anything.  I’m exhausted.  But if I ask for help, then I’m not really sick, just weak.  I was raised to never ask for help.  I have always just figured it out on my own.  And somehow the logic led me to passing out.

So now, rather than caring if I lose more weight, and yes I need to lose a great deal more, I am more focused on passing out.  I really just want someone to notice and care enough to stop me.  Dear god, why do ppl even read this blog, it’s like 90% me whining because no one notices and 10% me getting high. I’m so sorry.