I realise that I am trapped by my own mind. I’ve always been deeply rooted in thought. My poems and stories come from within, I often converse with the characters while writing. But something has taken hold over everything. I have glimmers of sunlight through the clouds, moments of clarity, moments of returned creativity. But they are so dimmed by the dark voice telling me how worthless I am, I don’t deserve to be alive, I should sacrifice everything I am for others to be happy because I don’t deserve happiness, I don’t deserve food. Food is only for the good people. The voice never stops. “You can’t have dinner tonight because you ate lunch,” “remember, food is the enemy,” “what the fuck is wrong with you?” That last one plays like a mantra.
I can feel it, I can feel the madness. I can see my brain power slowing, my ability to read, remember, do basic math, all are fading. I can barely hold a conversation. It takes me a long time to hear and process, think about and then respond appropriately. I can feel the hold it has on me and I am trapped. I don’t know how to get out and sometimes I don’t know if I want it to go away.
I really do want the things it is telling me to work toward. I just want to be beautiful and I want someone else to think I’m beautiful. I’m so tired of struggling with myself; constantly fighting the urge or “want” to eat. I don’t deserve food because I am worthless, fat, gross, disgusting, and stupid. The only way to gain food is to fix one of these. I can be less fat. Less fat also means closer to beautiful. Beautiful, as of this moment, is set at 88 lbs, bmi 16. I chose this because 8+8=16, stupid mathematical thing I noticed. Less food gets me lower in weight. I will always be worthless, gross, disgusting, and stupid. I will probably always be fat. But if I can get to that goal, maybe I can be happy again. Maybe that’s the way out of this storm.
I want to be carefree, happy; I want to close my eyes and not hear a thousand thoughts playing on repeat. I know this anorexia has destroyed my mind.
This anorexia has destroyed my body as well. My heart rate sinks lower by the month. I had a colonoscopy to determine the cause of my infection. A polyp was removed. I’ve noticed my gum lines receding slightly. I struggle with urinating, not painful but occasionally does want to start or trickles out.
I’m just so tired of thinking. I can’t retain ore formulate new thoughts because I can’t turn off the thought machine. It’s a bit like water-boarding. The faucet is turned on full blast with thoughts, all you need is air. But it’s always rushing in and you can’t move, you need air but your body doesn’t move. The cloud, the storm, has grown so thick, you know you will never outrun it. You will die still running toward that beautiful blue sky and sunlight outside this nightmarish storm. I am trapped by my mind and I know it will kill me. I have accepted this fate to be my own.