Happy Thanksgiving 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I think I used to look forward to today, all the delicious food and sweets. My small family made enough food for a group of 40. So we ate, a lot. We had leftovers, a lot. I gained, a lot.

But these past couple years have been very different. This year in particular has been extremely difficult and painful. I feel out of touch with time, I can’t seem to focus on it being Thanksgiving. I have not looked forward to the food. In fact I am punishing myself for having eaten more than my allotted calories yesterday, knowing I would be eating today. So I will not be enjoying any of the delicious foods prepared today. This is my Thanksgiving Fast. Maybe if I could learn to control my eating, I wouldn’t have to miss out.

I also have done some thinking on my progress over the past year. I have managed to lose 10 pounds in one goddamn year. I deserve a medal, that has to be some kind of record. Ffs that’s the best I can do?  I rarely go to the gym now, haven’t been in months. I’ve been stuck in this eat/purge thing. Trying to get that under control. If I could just stop wanting to eat, I don’t know if I can actually call it being hungry. Sometimes I just allow myself to eat. And then I realise what I’ve done. I’ve been doing better since I started a new plan. I’m not spot on with the calorie counting bc I’m out of practice, lol kmn. But my self control seems to be coming back out.

I’m on day 11 of the Skinny Girl Diet. That means 500 calories. A nice amount for Thanksgiving dinner. But as I said before, I ate too much yesterday. I stayed under 1000, but my metabolism is shot so any amount of food seems to stick.

I’m going to get this right. Because if I don’t, I’m eventually going to kill myself. I know what I would do. I have been purposely avoiding the items I would need for this to work. It’s not that I am suicidal, but rather a longing to be dead. I would be open to any form of death, so long as it kills me quick. Though I would rather keep the blood to a minimum.

And on that unhappy note, I hope everyone enjoys their day, be it Thanksgiving or an ordinary Thursday. Please be kind to one another tomorrow. You never know if that customer in your way or overwhelmed employee is having the worst moments of her life.

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