I don’t give a F*** anymore

I just started a fast today.  I have gained twenty pounds and can’t seem to stop eating (not binging, just normal eating) and purging.  It doesn’t matter what I eat anymore, I’m still going to purge.  The only time I’m not purging is when I’m with my boyfriend, or at home with my parents.  Obviously, I don’t purge when I fast.

I don’t really try to hide anything anymore.  I don’t give a fuck who knows that I’m starving myself.  I’ve openly told people at work and new friends.  They either don’t believe me, as in I’m joking, or they don’t need to worry because I’m not underweight, I’m not even skinny.

So while talking to my boyfriend on the phone earlier, I said I was hungry.  Naturally, he told me to go eat something.  I replied I couldn’t, because I’m doing a thing.  Being the guy he is, he assumed this involved masturbation. ::eye roll::

“No this is just something I’m doing for a few days.”

“What, starving yourself?”

“No”

“You’re lying, your voice changed.”  TBH, I knew my voiced changed, I wanted him to know.

“So”

“So why are you doing this one?”

“Just because…I can’t help it.”

He filled most of the space with loud sighing and groaning before he finally said he was hanging up and I love you.

I truly don’t care who knows anything anymore.  Though I am more secretive about the throwing up, only because I find it gross and would rather it not be mentioned.  I still prefer not to eat in front of most people, nor do I like being “caught” eating.  But I really don’t give a fuck anymore.  It’s not like anyone can actually make me go to treatment, I’m a grown woman.  I suppose I would try if my parents really begged, but I think I could hold out.  I’m not even sure if my boyfriend could force me to give up.  I will always want to weigh less, to be smaller.  I’m not even sure if 88 pounds will make me stop, but it sure is a nice goal to work for.

I need to get back on track and drop these 20 pounds first.

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