I Hate You, I Love You

For the past 2 weeks I have spent nearly every night wrapped in a man’s arms.  Neither of us have shared much personal information.  Both too cautious, too guarded.  I honestly have not known whether to call this a “friends with benefits” or a relationship slowing beginning.  All I am certain of is the instant magnetism.  We both combed Facebook to find one another, following our initial introduction.

The second time we hung out, we had sex.  He was surprised that he didn’t make me cum.  Sorry, tmi.  Anyway, we slept together the next night as well.  Then he spent the night the following night, but we just slept wrapped together.  A couple of days later, we both went to a festival with a couple of friends.  He ignored me, only bumming a drink or two of my soda and passing the joint.

That night, the group of us did acid.  I have never tripped before, it was too intense.  I had not eaten a lot/anything that day.  Coming up was terrible.  I was shaking violently, it was then that he actually began to notice me.  At some point I blacked out, during which time I believe I became hysterical.  I obviously do not remember this and neither him nor the other person present during this episode, will tell me what I said or did.  Following the black out, where my memory picks up, we have him casually touching me, taking some care of me.  When we finally laid down for sleep the next morning, he accidentally brushed my arm, as if he wanted to just sleep with me in his arms.

I had work that day, a real bitch following a night of tripping on acid.  I had a panic attack and spent 10 minutes crying on the bathroom floor at work.  But he texted and asked me to come to his house.  A 40 minute drive, but I spent the night.  Still no sex or kissing, but he held me in his arms.  He texted to be sure I had made it back to my side of town and to work alright.

The following night, he finally opened up and the sex was mind-blowing.  The only trouble is, he won’t kiss me.  He kissed me the first couple nights, but now he won’t.  Granted, I’m a terrible kisser…considering he is the first person to actually kiss me, and only the third person to try to kiss me.  Yes, I am lame…thanks.

The next night, same thing.  Except I do all the work, he gets the blowies and handies and I get nothing but fucked.  Don’t get me wrong, I like how hard he goes and he will bite me if I ask.  He did not feel the need to cuddle following sex, as per usual.

Last night at his place, again, there was a storm.  Now I adore storms.  So while he played COD, I went out to watch the lightning.  He came out a short time later.  I could feel him watching me, but my only concern was enjoying the wind and electricity buzzing.  I eventually grew tired of trying to turn him on while he played video games, so I went to the bedroom.  His larger dog was freaking out over the storm, so I wrapped a blanket around him and lay my head on his side.  I woke a bit later to him standing by the bed, clearly watching me sleep.  We went to bed, wrapped together.  I woke him in the middle of the night with a handie.  He had to get up and grab the towel.  He said that he didn’t expect me to do that.  Cuddled up to him, I said he could repay the favour, to which he replied “I’m tired, if I didn’t have work…”  He did let me stay after he left for work since it was my late start.

Earlier in the evening, I said that he had told me all about himself and I asked if he wanted to know anything about me.  He replied, “I haven’t told you about myself. Like what? No.”

He kisses his dog, a lot.  He adores her.  I mean I get it, she’s a super cute dog, and he rescued her, raised a bunch of money for her vet bills because she was sick/injured.  But he will look like he’s coming to my face and he bypasses me for the damn dog.  Why?  WTF????

During sex, he doesn’t mind me leaving my tank top and bra on.  He avoids the area entirely.  I suppose the extra skin grosses him out.  I would say he doesn’t look at me during sex, but I don’t look at him so I can’t say whether he does or not.

I am always the one touching him, rubbing his hair, his back.  I’m always the one flirting.  While that does turn me on as well as him, I don’t get quite the rush that he ends up with following sex.

I realize I am just a piece of ass to him, but then other times I don’t know.  He insists that I sleep in the crook of his arm, which I love doing.  He’s trying to teach me to play COD.  Having never played video games, I am beyond horrible at it, a fact which annoys him.  He cooked dinner one night, some pasta thing which he let me pick and brats.  When I only had a dab on my plate he asked if that was all I was going to eat.  He kept trying to get me to have some more.  But over the course of the evening he ate the entire dish of pasta.  His fast metabolism keeps him trim, his strenuous job does, as well.  He is constantly telling me what he weighs, how much he’s lost.  Tbh, it makes me feel morbidly obese and I just want to starve myself to death.  He used to weigh 200+ lbs, now he’s 140-ish lbs.

I told him I wanted to talk to him about someone at work, a higher-up who is sexually harassing me.  But I said I didn’t want to text it.  He immediately called me.  I wasn’t able to take the call right then.  When I called him later and told him he was just like, “what do you want me to do about it?”  I was just broken, yet again.  He then came up with some crazy ways to get the guy caught on camera.  All the while, I’m thinking “I don’t want you to DO anything, I just want you to CARE.”  Like why don’t guys get that.  I’m telling you this because I need to know you care, not because I need a superhero.

He’s a very private person, like we know absolutely nothing about one another beyond a few childhood stories.  He’s a Scorpio (sorry but I believe this to be a factor).  Which means we both have trust issues, are extremely private/secretive, and hellbent on playing mind games on the other.

I’m sleeping alone tonight, in my own bed.  As cliché as it is, I’m listening to breakup songs and working on a 24 hour liquid fast.  I wish I could let go enough to cry.  My emotions have been blocked entirely for months now, I feel nothing.  It’s not that I feel like we’ve broken up, because there was nothing there but sex.  I also feel certain he will text me tomorrow.  But the heartbreak of knowing that he wants nothing more than my pussy on his cock is getting to me.  He’s got the most beautiful eyes and a country accent I could bottle up and bathe in.

I’m going to let him come to me.  He’s going to have to earn my trust.  I’m probably going to keep this liquid fast going as long as possible.  I am a disgusting cow who needs to stop eating.

Open to any advice, please.

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