Sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while. I’ve been working on a post but I’m struggling with it.
I’ve been in full binge mode for a couple weeks now. I’m so fucking hungry all the time. But not even hungry, more like craving. I know I have reached, quite a while back, severely malnourished. My muscles have been wasting for months. I hate myself every time I see the numbers on the scale go up, but I can’t seem to stop. I know I need help. I hate doing this to myself. I can feel my body dying.
I look at my hands and arms and they seem foreign to me. I’m short of breath, frequently. It hurts to pee and I can’t take a shit without several laxatives. My stomach cramps every time I eat anything. I immediately want to vomit. I have constant chills, even when bundled up in sweatshirts and blankets while inside. My head hurts all the time. The veins in my left wrist and hand swell sometimes, especially when I bend over. I’m extremely pale and I either can’t sleep at all or I sleep for many hours. I have chest pains and tightness. The pain in my lower back is not muscles pain. I can only assume it’s due to organ damage. I’m disgusted with myself.
****Please, anyone thinking about WANTING to be anorexic…don’t. It hurts and you will hate yourself more than you ever imagined. You will become terrified of letting anyone see you eat. You will force yourself to look at the scale every morning even though you know the numbers have gone up and that will ruin your day. You will spend hours looking at your body in the mirror trying to determine just where the problem is and how you can make it go away. You will convince yourself you aren’t hungry for so long and then your body will try to fight back. It will tell you that if you don’t eat something you will go into organ failure. But once you’ve eaten, the need to purge will be so strong that it won’t matter if you just spent money on food. It won’t matter that you drank milk with that sandwich. You will go and purge and it will hurt and you will feel hungry again right after. It’s a vicious cycle and you will want to die. But you will also not ask for help because you know you aren’t skinny. The scale, the mirror, your mind will all say fat ass. You will spend your time looking at your best friend, trying to figure out how your hands are thinner than hers but nothing else is. You will be both happy and sad when someone sees you after a period of time and exclaims how you’re “wasting away.” You will constantly touch the bones that stick out on your body, it will be a comforting mechanism to quiet the screaming voice in your head. You will reach a point where you don’t need to think about not eating because you’ve skipped as much food as possible for over a year. You will hate yourself when your body can’t do it anymore and you realize you must eat. You will need to force yourself to eat, constantly convincing your brain that even anorexics eat sometimes. But once you eat, or enter a binge, you will also have to remind yourself that anorexics don’t eat and so you shouldn’t either.
Want to hate yourself even more? Become anorexic today.
Please share this to save someone from this nightmare.