It’s Tricky, this thing called Anorexia

I completed a 3 day fast today.  I kept my willpower strong to avoid all the temptations at work.  I even went to the gym and worked out while doing odd tasks at work, every single day of that fast.  This sounds crazy, but I am actually proud of myself.  I thought my ability to resist temptation was gone.  I guess I was wrong.

I noticed how the longer I went without food, the less tired and hungry I became.  I also felt less depressed.  When I eat, even if it’s a salad (I’ve only just had this for supper and I somewhat want to die), I become quite depressed, angry at myself; the thoughts scream horrible things at me, breaking me.  But when I can fast for days, I feel proud of myself, seeing the numbers drop on the scale, I am happy.  And yes I can see how sick that makes me, I get it, but I also think I deserve to feel less self-hatred and since that’s all I have, I won’t stop.

I ended my fast in a decent way.  I ate a banana, and no I did not freak out (thought about it for a minute or 10).  I then had a nice salad with lettuce, olives, mushrooms, tomatoes, turkey and chicken bits, peas, sunflower seeds, craisins, radishes, cauliflower, and yellow peppers.  I used my zero-calorie dressing.  It was delicious.

I went back to the gym, second time today, and did another 20 minutes on the treadmill, walking and jogging.  I did most of my floor exercises, and I added some new ones to fix my thunder thighs.  When I returned, I had an organic string cheese, the rest of my salad, and a small bowl of pineapple cubes.  I know that doesn’t seem like a lot, but to me it is.  I hate myself so much right now.  I wish I had someone in my life to tell me that I’ve done good, that this was not too much, that its okay.

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