Tonight was fun. I got stoned with my best friend and watched some episodes of The 100. She has a candy bar and I am suddenly dying for my own candy bar. On my way home I convinced myself I could have a candy bar. After all, it is better than chicken nuggets. I wanted something peanut buttery and nutty and chocolatey….omg I want that now. Anyway, I head toward a store that’s open late and has a self-scan to pay. I couldn’t go into the gas station by my apartment because I had been in there about two hours before, looking for a specific rillo. My anxiety convinced me I couldn’t go back to a place where someone might remember me (what if they want to talk to me? what if they judge me or have weird opinions about me? what if they smell the pot or know I’m high? many dumb fears rolled up in here). So I continued, quite out-of-the-way of my apartment. I was thinking about which specific candy bar I would get. I had to decide because if I did not decide before I arrived at the store, I would stand in the aisle and stare at them all like a desperate child, until I finally broke down and bought four. But as I thought about what sounded good, the damn voice began taunting me…
“nuts sounds good, maybe I’ll get a ———”
You sure you won’t decide you need a cookie too? How about a doughnut, maybe something fruity, oh and you love those little pies, you’ll just buy a bunch of food and then sit and eat it. Then you’ll get even fatter…. (I honestly don’t remember the rest of the mental conversation I had with myself)
I did not proceed to the store, I wound around until I returned to my apartment. All the while I was analyzing my actions and thoughts. “Why is it that you are using the motivation of telling any followers you may think you have, that the damn eating disorder won out over the drugs in your system?” I’ll tell you why…it’s because saying something like that may cause one person to validate my disorder, and each time I receive one validation, I become that much closer to actually believing I need help. I’ve heard that many with similar disorders struggle with needing others to convince them they are sick before they will believe it themselves. If this is you, you are not alone and I hope you can one day move past whatever obstacles are in your way. As I will work toward the same goal.
So this rant/story is to say Fuck U Anorexia, I almost had a candy bar (and some ice cream, cookies, doughnuts, chicken salad croissant, hummus and pita chips…). But NO, I had to come home and eat an apple and some rye crisps. eye roll> And a Very Merry Fuck U Too Brain, for analyzing every bit of thoughts and actions I experience. Normal people do not analyze themselves and those around them on a minute-by-minute basis…I hope.