Missing

I have come to realize that several things I once enjoyed have gone missing from my life.  If anyone does not believe that eating disorders, malnutrition, and starvation take a serious toll on the body and brain, then they are severely mistaken.  Reflecting on the missing pastimes has left me terribly sad.

  1. Reading: at one time I read every book I could get my hands on.  I enjoyed the classics, Dickens, Bronte, Austen, Dostoevsky, Hemingway, and so many others; the heavy writers who used deep thoughts and big words.  I can barely read a piece of fanfiction without getting distracted and confused now.  I miss the big worlds of my writers.
  2. Writing: I have been a writer most of my life.  I once wrote poetry, stories, and vignettes.  Writers block took that away for many many years.  Pieces of it returned a couple of years ago.  Then the anorexia began again and I lost my ability to think, which made writing difficult.  I can formulate ideas, but getting them on paper in any sort of coherent order is nearly impossible.  Even my posts have gotten more and more scattered.  I post less because it takes me longer to write them and I struggle with what and how to say something.
  3. Watching movies: Movies were my love, I could get lost in a film for hours, much like reading.  I could re watch films dozens of times.  I watched many television shows as well.  I’ve lost interest in nearly everything.  I can’t concentrate on a film for more than 20 minutes.  I miss traveling to new and exciting places with amazing actors.  I loved films, silent films, Independent films, musicals, comedies, action and suspense, “frat guy” movies were my favourite.  I loved all movie genres except “chick flicks,” I have never been a fan of lovey-dovey movies because they are entirely too predictable.
  4. Sewing/Quilting: Admittedly, some of this is lost because my apartment has no space for any of my equipment.  But I have little interest in doing the hobbies I once enjoyed.
  5. Knitting/Crocheting/Embroidery: I was once a “Suzy Homemaker” type.  I planned to make everything I needed for living off the grid, so i learned to do many things.  Concentrating and remembering have become too difficult and I cannot make this happen.
  6. Homesteading: My life goal was to find some land away from civilization and turn it into a small sustainable farm, attempting to produce nearly every product or supply needed, rather than relying on big businesses to sell me things.  I read every book and magazine relating to this topic.  I don’t have that passion anymore and it breaks my heart.

Ultimately, I have lost all of my passions.  Things that made me smile, made me happy and relaxed, made me unique, are now gone.  I can’t tell you how heartbreaking this is for me.  I feel like I’ve stopped existing in this world.  The things that made me “me” are no longer mine.  All I have become is this eating disorder.  It’s all I can think about.  I wish I could tell this to someone, but I don’t know how.  Furthermore, I fear that the people who have come into my life since this began, after I changed, may not wish to stay if they saw who I once was.

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