I have come to realize that several things I once enjoyed have gone missing from my life. If anyone does not believe that eating disorders, malnutrition, and starvation take a serious toll on the body and brain, then they are severely mistaken. Reflecting on the missing pastimes has left me terribly sad.
- Reading: at one time I read every book I could get my hands on. I enjoyed the classics, Dickens, Bronte, Austen, Dostoevsky, Hemingway, and so many others; the heavy writers who used deep thoughts and big words. I can barely read a piece of fanfiction without getting distracted and confused now. I miss the big worlds of my writers.
- Writing: I have been a writer most of my life. I once wrote poetry, stories, and vignettes. Writers block took that away for many many years. Pieces of it returned a couple of years ago. Then the anorexia began again and I lost my ability to think, which made writing difficult. I can formulate ideas, but getting them on paper in any sort of coherent order is nearly impossible. Even my posts have gotten more and more scattered. I post less because it takes me longer to write them and I struggle with what and how to say something.
- Watching movies: Movies were my love, I could get lost in a film for hours, much like reading. I could re watch films dozens of times. I watched many television shows as well. I’ve lost interest in nearly everything. I can’t concentrate on a film for more than 20 minutes. I miss traveling to new and exciting places with amazing actors. I loved films, silent films, Independent films, musicals, comedies, action and suspense, “frat guy” movies were my favourite. I loved all movie genres except “chick flicks,” I have never been a fan of lovey-dovey movies because they are entirely too predictable.
- Sewing/Quilting: Admittedly, some of this is lost because my apartment has no space for any of my equipment. But I have little interest in doing the hobbies I once enjoyed.
- Knitting/Crocheting/Embroidery: I was once a “Suzy Homemaker” type. I planned to make everything I needed for living off the grid, so i learned to do many things. Concentrating and remembering have become too difficult and I cannot make this happen.
- Homesteading: My life goal was to find some land away from civilization and turn it into a small sustainable farm, attempting to produce nearly every product or supply needed, rather than relying on big businesses to sell me things. I read every book and magazine relating to this topic. I don’t have that passion anymore and it breaks my heart.
Ultimately, I have lost all of my passions. Things that made me smile, made me happy and relaxed, made me unique, are now gone. I can’t tell you how heartbreaking this is for me. I feel like I’ve stopped existing in this world. The things that made me “me” are no longer mine. All I have become is this eating disorder. It’s all I can think about. I wish I could tell this to someone, but I don’t know how. Furthermore, I fear that the people who have come into my life since this began, after I changed, may not wish to stay if they saw who I once was.