Diagnosis

I did it guys! I went to a doctor and told her what I’d been doing.  She ran a million blood tests and recommended I find a psychiatrist who takes my insurance.  I have been officially diagnosed as having Anorexia Nervosa with Bulimia.  She tried to tell me that I don’t need to lose any more weight and that I’m not fat.  I’m like bitch pls, I’m the Pillsbury dough boy.  She told me I’m too tall to weigh 80 pounds, but I told her that was a nice goal and I didn’t think it would be bad to weigh 80 pounds.

I thought that having an official diagnosis would make me feel less crazy, or at least less like I’m faking.  But I still feel like a fake anorexic.  I know my blood tests are going to show as normal.  I’ve been eating quite a lot lately.  I’ve been in binge mode for weeks.  Naturally I’ve been purging much more frequently.  I just keep craving food, sweets and dairy, protein and carbs, fruit of any kind, salty anything.  It’s like I can’t stop and it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t eat.  After I eat, I want to eat more.  But the saddest thing is, nothing ever sounds good to me.  I think of foods like I’m reading a menu.  But nothing on the menu sounds like something I want to eat.  Unfortunately, I can’t seem to leave this restaurant.  I tend to order and then regret eating, nothing ever satisfies.

I told her how much I had been eating, less than 100 calories a day, and how long I had been doing this, over a year.  She said it was a good thing I had so much weight to lose.  Apparently this is rather dangerous.  All I see is fat.  My skin is oversize.  I’m stressed because I can’t lose weight.  I can’t lose weight because I can’t stop eating.  I can’t stop eating because I’m stressed.  So when I eat, I feel like I’m not really sick.  Nothing I haven’t said more than 100 million times.

My blood pressure has been really high.  I’m not sure why, actually.  But this has worried me.  The veins in my arms bulge sometimes, causing them to stick out on my wrists and hands.  More than once, I have felt like I was drowning, to the point that I was coughing up phlegm when minutes before the cough was dry.  Once I am able to urinate, the feeling goes away.  It’s like an intense body pressure coupled with the feeling of drowning.  I constantly have goosebumps and feel cold.  My hair has stopped growing on my body, fortunately this means I needn’t shave my legs!  The hair on my arms is very fine and soft.  The worst thing is, I have trouble thinking.  I mean actual, deep thoughts.  I no longer concentrate well enough to read or watch movies, so having any sort of meaningful opinion or thought is a rare occasion.

All I do know is I don’t want to get that fat again.  I don’t want to gain weight ever again.  I do suppose it is fortunate that I have not gone above 160 lbs while enduring this binge mode.  I have managed to fluctuate between 150 and 160 pounds.  I am still embarrassed to say that my weight is so high.  And even while typing that, I am thinking about what I want to eat, because I’m hungry.  I’m always hungry.

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