My eating disorder has manifested inside my mum

I know that sounds crazy, but the things she has been saying to me lately, it seems possible.  At dinner the other night, she insisted I have some grilled chicken with my salad.  But when we decided to share a slice of pie, she let me take one small bite and then said that was plenty.  When my father offered me another bite, she scolded him for “pushing food” on me.  He insisted that if I wanted more, I could have more.  She has told me that I can’t have things because I’ll get fat again.

At dinner with them on Christmas, I ate whatever I wanted, simply because I have been so incredibly hungry all the time lately.  My mum, when my dad wasn’t in the room, told me I wouldn’t be able to eat for a week after this.  She also told me that she didn’t want to have to buy me all those clothes again in a larger size.  Anytime I went to eat something, she said that was plenty.  I felt so disgusting.  Her words have been playing over and over in my head.

Those words forced me into another fast, I’m 38 hours into it and the only reason I haven’t had a single bite of anything is because I keep hearing her say “you won’t be able to eat for a week.”  I was so worked up last night that I wanted to cry.  I was so hungry and I have some safe snacks by my bed, munchies and all, but I physically could not make myself eat anything.  I tried to cry, actually, but as usual nothing came out.  There really is nothing more heartbreaking than wanting to eat, needing to eat, having food to eat, but not being able to because the voice in your head tells you that beauty is more important than the growling stomach and dizzy spells.  I know I am punishing myself for eating and gaining so much weight, almost 8 pounds, Fuck you very much.

I know my mum means well, she is a big lady herself.  I also know that if she EVER found out about my eating disorder, she might try to kill herself.  She has enough mental and physical health problems of her own.  She doesn’t need to know that what she is doing, her way of helping, is actually contributing to my slow suicide.  So there will be no recovery for me, no getting help, no stopping.  This will kill me and I can only pray it happens after she has already passed away.

I can’t bear the thought of being a disappointment to my parents, I’ve done that for most of my life.  Nothing I do seems to go right.  I know they will never have grandchildren or even a son-in-law.  I will never fall in love because I don’t deserve love.  No could ever love me anyway.  I work shitty jobs despite having multiple degrees.  I’m ugly and fat.  I’m rather stupid.  I’ve been told I’m selfish, and I believe that to be true.  So I have disappointed everyone quite enough.  At least while I’m losing weight they all have something for which to be proud.  In the end, I just want someone to love me, the real me, not the acts I put on.  I want someone to see my broken side and not run away.  I want to share so much but it just hurts in the end.  Ultimately, I will be sad and alone forever.  And I accept that.

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3 comments on “My eating disorder has manifested inside my mum

  1. Girl… You cannot talk like that. If you do not want your parents knowing you need help then you have to seek it on your own- not just give in. You can still have a child and a husband but not until you find someone to talk to and therapy. I know this because I am an addict. My parents have passed and I don’t have them to even “not know.” I’m terrified of recovery and I feel like I am unlovable and a fake. Please email me. Gagesmamaowl@gmail.com

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    • The thing is, I don’t know if I want to recover. What I want is to be horribly underweight, I want people to be shocked at how light I am, I want someone to carry me and not struggle to do so. My mother has contributed to this for most of my life, it would kill her to find that out. Ultimately, though, bc I am not underweight, I don’t believe myself to be sick. For some fucked up reason, my head says i’m only sick enough if I need to be forced into an inpatient program. So I’m not even actually sick. It’s all a lie to get attention.

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      • It’s the same lies I told myself recovering from my addiction. It wasn’t affecting my life (that I believed) so how was it a problem? I was still functioning; work, school, taking care of my son. But everyday was a battle to not be sick- to buy them not to get high because they no longer did that but to just feel normal. I wish you the best in your recovery. And maybe you don’t want to right now. You won’t recover until you want to. Everyone has their own rock bottom- I hope yours isn’t being extremely underweight and being committed somewhere. It doesn’t always have to be extreme. Mine wasn’t. Besides being broke all the time, I still was functioning. But I think of all the time I spent finding them, taking them, thinking about them. It was another full time job and time that was stolen from me and my son. I hope you are doing well.

        Liked by 1 person

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