Letter to Courtney

{Readers: I am feeling super brave and would like to write this out nice and give it to Courtney with her Christmas presents.  Any thoughts?  Should I add something more or leave something out?  Please comment below, because I want to get this right.}

Dearest Bestie,

Before I go on, I’d like to tell you how much I care about you.  You are the best friend I have ever had.  I have never been stellar at making and keeping friends.  Despite my insanity and stupidity, you saw something in me; something that made you care about me.  I don’t understand what it is that you see in me, but I’m beyond elated to have you.  I see the moon and stars in you.  I think if we had been friends, before, I would be a completely different person today.

I have a million things I’d love to share with you.  I want you to know that before you claimed me as your own, I was completely lost.  I was lonely.  I want you to know that sometimes I still feel lonely.  Sometimes I get lost in my head and have trouble finding the exit sign.  I have a million things I want you to know about me, but I also have so much anxiety that I try not to burden others.  I know you wouldn’t mind me sharing, but I still have trouble.  I’m sorry.  At the same time, I feel like I always talk about myself and know absolutely nothing about you.  I’m sorry for that, too.

I want to tell you about all my fears, and the horrible, hateful things I think about; I want to tell you about what it’s like inside my head.  But I worry you will leave and never come back.  I think my world would collapse if I ever lost you.  And yet, I want to tell you that some mornings I wake up and wish I hadn’t.  Some days I think about driving my car into the nearest tree.  Some days I starve myself simply because I feel I don’t deserve to eat.  Some nights I sit in bed and ache for the opportunity to cry, it never comes.  I know I can be super intense; I try to hold back, but it comes across as distant or unfriendly.  I don’t mean it like that, but I tend to scare people away.  I want you to know that I ask myself everyday why you like me.  Which leads me to something else I want you to know.  I am always amazed when I find out people like me.  I can’t seem to figure out why someone would like me, most days I don’t even like me.

In the midst of all that sadness, I have days where I can bury everything deep and just forget about it.  I can seem happy and normal.  You probably already figured out that I have crazy skills when it comes to hiding emotions.  However, when I see you and your beautiful smile, it always brightens my mood.  You can make everything in my life seem bearable, and that’s another thing I don’t understand.  How do you do that?  You give the best advice.  You always know just what to say.  You make people feel important, except when they are morons (but morons don’t count anyway).  I love that you are protective of the people you care about.  You listen, possibly a little too well.  You never back down from a challenge and you aren’t afraid to get dirty when the challenge gets tough.  I know I could totally count on you to back me up or bail me out.  Unless of course you are sitting in the cell with me; but then we’d just call Debbie.

I know my eating disorder is scary.  I also know that it can make you feel powerless.  I feel that way every day of my life.  It may not seem like it, but I really do want to be healthy again.  I just don’t know how to make it better.  At the same time, though, I want to be beautiful.  I’m constantly terrified that if I ever started eating like a normal person again, I’d gain like a million pounds and be even uglier.  When I look in the mirror, I only see fat.  So there are days when I really just want a hug and for someone to tell me that I’m going to be okay and that my value as a person has nothing to do with the size of my clothes.  I get mad at myself when I can’t keep from eating.  I’ve grown obsessed with being empty; I feel in control of my life when I can restrict my eating.  I know that this will eventually kill me, and a lot of the time I’m okay with that.  But then I think about the people left behind; I never want to hurt you or see you hurt.

The most important things in this letter are the questions I have for you.  I want to know about your life.  I want to know about your day, and when you are sad and why.  And even when you are sad but don’t know why, I want you to be okay with telling me.  I want to know about everything that makes you happy, and why you love the colour purple.  I want to know what scares you and what makes you laugh.  I want to know you and what makes you so unique.  I may not remember everything, I may not have the answers or say the right thing, but I care about you and I’ll try to be as good of a friend.

Thank you for being my best friend,

A

PS I don’t mind if you want to share this letter, I want people to know how special you are.

 

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