It’s funny…

…and sad.

Does this happen to anyone else?  For over a year now, I have been starving myself, going into extreme anorexia, even.  And yet no one around me seems to notice and find it odd.  I don’t just mean my family.  I say strange things to my coworkers, today I told one guy that I ate yesterday and so I wasn’t hungry today.  He just accepted that and even said his own fiance doesn’t always feel like eating.  Are people really that blind to what is happening around them?  Or is it that I don’t look sick and so I must be healthy?  I have people at work trying to get me to eat, almost as if it’s become a game, “Will she eat it or not.”  But no one seems to have pieced it together.  The crazy things I say just don’t faze anyone.  I have all but told people I have an eating disorder.  It’s rather unnerving and yet, I enjoy testing the waters.  Just how much can I say and do before someone figures it out?  I guess I really would like someone to notice and care enough to make me get help; yes, this is a recurring theme in my blog posts and I apologize for that.

I guess I want help.  I mean, I know I would love to be able to go shopping with friends or my mum and then have lunch without panicking about eating something.  I don’t want safe foods anymore.  I don’t want to have lists of foods that I refuse to eat.  I don’t want to be terrified of bananas because the calories are just too high.  I don’t want to plan ahead in case I’m forced to eat; I know I can’t eat if I have plans with people later in the week, I save any calories for that day by fasting beforehand to make up for eating.  I don’t want to listen to my stomach growl all day and know I can’t do anything to make it stop.  I’m tired of looking in the mirror and seeing my body swell, it’s not normal to be confused about the size of your body.  I don’t want to punish myself for eating, it’s not normal and it hurts.  I’m just tired of being tired.  I’m tired of constant infections.  I’m tired of hospital visits that fix this or that symptom but never solve the REAL problem.  I don’t want to tell myself I don’t deserve to eat or that I’m somehow horrible because I did eat.  Eating is not a sign of weakness, except in my mind.

BUT

I’m also huge and I don’t want to be huge anymore.  I know this will kill me but at least I’ll die pretty.  If I start eating again, I’ll gain it all back.  I have no control when I eat and that means I’ll be as big as a house in a month.  I’m not sick enough to need help anyway.  I’ll only believe I’m sick when I’m forced into an in-patient facility and they don’t accept fat cows.

So I suppose I’ll just continue playing with my coworkers and random strangers.  And I’ll continue to find amusement in the “Will she eat it or not” game.  One girl was so proud because she got me to have 3 bites of food today.  I only tasted a couple of things to appease her, one of which I spit out.  She actually bragged, it made me smile but also made me sad.

Anyone else have this happening to them?

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2 comments on “It’s funny…

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