My Weekend

…With Molly

I spent Saturday night at my friend’s house while we all did lines of Molly.  Molly is amazing stuff, it makes every little thing feel spectacular.  Something as simple as stretching or smoking a cigarette feels like heaven.  Her super hot roommate was hosting the party in his room upstairs.  Every time he hugged me, all I could think about was how proud I was that he could feel my ribs. Now and then I had flashes of the man who drugged me.  It was as if something was similar and reminded me of that night.  It scared me a bit.  By 8 the next morning, we were all done and ready for bed.  I opted to sleep on his couch since it was darker upstairs.  But he took the heater into his room and told me if I got cold I could come snuggle some more.  We snuggled…a lot, and then we fell asleep.  We didn’t wake up until 4 pm.

The problem is, my best friend and I both had a thing for him.  But she happens to have a boyfriend who also lives there.  When she asked me, later, if anything happened, I told her.  I wasn’t prepared at all for how upset she got.  I feel like a total piece of trash.  It’s like, yet again I have hurt and disappointed someone in my life and like all the others, she will probably leave me.  I seem to run off everyone.  The thing is, she is jealous.  I don’t think she expected him to sleep with me.  I’m sure that’s not what she meant but my brain just goes in these dark directions.  But now she isn’t talking to me and I’m very broken.  I want someone to hold me and tell me it’s ok.  Tell me I’m not alone.  I also want to die.

The best thing about Molly is it makes you not hungry.  Although I don’t recommend doing it on an empty stomach, since it makes you nauseated.  Learn from my experience, please.  So I ate a small ham sandwich on Friday night and didn’t eat again until Sunday night.  Which was another small ham sandwich.  On Monday, I had most of a cup of vegetable soup from a local chain.  Today, I have still had nothing to eat and I will continue this until I manage to pass out at my friend’s house, assuming she ever forgives me.  I have been feeling extremely light-headed lately.  Whenever I stand up I feel it, sometimes just sitting and smoking makes me feel like I’m about to pass out.  I’ve decided where it will be.  I know it sounds stupid but I have pretty good self-control and since I’ve been so light-headed lately, it shouldn’t be hard to arrange that.

Last night I seriously considered calling someone for help, I was so weak and the room was spinning and going dark.  My hands shook and I was very cold.  Afterward, all I could think was, I need to get help.  But now I know I can’t do that.


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