An assortment of things have happened recently.
Last night, while out for a drive, because I couldn’t bear the thought of just sitting at home all alone and my friend forgot we were supposed to hang out, I had the surprise thought that I could just drive my car into the nearest telephone pole or tree. I actually think I might have done it if I didn’t have my dog in the car. That thought came out of nowhere and, to be honest, it scared me a bit. I was sad, but I haven’t been depressed. Its been more than 10 years since I last had this thought.
At work, my boss told me she would have to quit if I ever left. She said I’m the only one she trusts to tell her whats going on. I never would have guessed she felt this way. We have a lot in common, sadly. Most of it stems from trust issues after having been burnt by too many people over the years.
I can feel most of my bones through all the loose skin. I think if I can have it removed, my bones will show nicely. I see girls and actresses who are skinnier than I am (I’m not skinny, I’m a cow) but have less prominent collar bones. That alone makes me exceedingly happy. I can now loosely wrap my hand around my wrist and a little hole or gap appears. I also have a tiny thigh gap trying to appear. This is one that will show when I figure out how to afford skin removal. I’m obsessed with the knobby spots on my shoulders and along my spine. Sometimes I just sit and rub them or my collar bones, it seems to quiet my head and calm me down.
The other night, while at my best friends house, we were smoking, as usual. We were also doing lines of cocaine, which is delightful, by the way, (It wasn’t super good coke, not good enough to get you peeled, but it did make me more talkative). After smoking and also while doing lines, we smoke cigarettes, lots of cigarettes. While out for a smoke on the porch with my friend, her roommate and his friend, my hands were shaking. They shake a lot when I’m high. I was too dizzy to smoke, not that I could have lit the damn thing to begin with. I tried to keep my hands tucked behind one another, but my friend sat and watched them shake. She was too high to say anything, but she was staring. Since she’s the only one who knows about the eating disorder, I’m not worried as much about her seeing them shake.
The girls at work called me a little elf, today. And my boss said I must be up to something because I had a little smirk on my face. This made me so happy. No one has ever noticed me before, not enough to have any comments. I guess it made me feel special, important. I suppose that sounds really dumb.
I had a dream last night that I was crying, sobbing actually. I don’t remember why I was upset, but I remember feeling relieved that I am still able to cry if necessary.