At some point they are going to notice something or pair up some information. I mean I barely ate my birthday dinner. And yet it continues. I mean, my mother guessed my weight to be significantly lower than it actually is, and she then followed the statement by telling me, and my father agreed, that I will never be below 135 lbs and look good because I have wide, massive shoulders and powerful legs. She said I could never get as low as 100 lbs. My first thought was “watch me.” It could be my paranoia, I over-analyze everything. But it just seems like some things they say scream that they are getting suspicious. Of course they almost never ask me if I eat, but they did suggest I add foods back in so I don’t become “afraid” to eat. It’s a little late for that.
My coworkers ask me about it more than my own parents. But I see my coworkers daily over long periods of time, all of which includes me not eating while everyone around me is pigging out. When I started there, I wore a size 22, now I wear a size 8. I told my boss today that I bought new pants for work, she said it was because I had gotten so skinny. Points of contention: First, I’m not skinny; Second, I am so much larger than nearly EVERY individual at work; Third, I still can’t see that I’ve gotten smaller. I see that I am different, but not greatly changed. I frequently mention food that sounds good, none of which is anything I would actually consume. And my coworkers always tell me to get it or have some. I really should stop talking about food, but it’s all I can think about. Anyway, I think my boss might be getting suspicious. Today was the first time she mentioned me getting smaller and she has been asking me about the foods I do eat. She’s an older lady (older than me but not OLD), with a daughter in high school. She’s intelligent and mature. If she hasn’t noticed something is up, then I’d be surprised. She told me I should have cheese sticks with marinara sauce, because today that sounded amazing. She was complaining how hungry she was and I said she should order a pizza and have it delivered. She said that sounded good then asked if I ate pizza. Maybe this is all in my head, my paranoia, coupled with my trust and control issues. Maybe I’m reading too much into things. Maybe I just want someone to care about me so badly, that I am grasping at straws.
My best friend and I went out the other night, following a day of consuming nothing but coffee and cigarettes. At the movie theatre, she ordered a large popcorn and drink. I was pretty stoned so I got a tiny drink and fries. I claim to not eat popcorn because I don’t like it or because it isn’t paleo. Truthfully, I adore movie theatre popcorn. So I took a handful, I have small hands, and ate a bit. I said it needed salt. She looked right at me and said “will you eat it if I put some salt on it?” She knows about the eating disorder, but since she hasn’t mentioned it, I figured she didn’t believe me or didn’t know how to act. Clearly she has noticed and cared more than I realize. I’m actually not bothered by this, since she knows I needn’t worry about her getting suspicious or finding out. It does bother me that my parents like her and she likes them. I can’t let them get too close. I feel horrible for even thinking this, but I don’t 100% trust her (I don’t even trust my parents 100%). I’ve been hurt too many times and I know if she went to my parents about this it would be out of love and concern. I just worry, too much actually.
Perhaps this should have been titled “Suspecting Parents, Friends, and Coworkers.” I guess people notice more than I realize. That worries me because I don’t like people getting too close to me. I want to keep so much to myself, protect myself. If no one can get in, then they can’t hurt you. Still, people are noticing and suspecting. My own roommate tells her friends that I’m on the “never eats” diet. I am quite skilled at redirecting conversations to avoid answering things I don’t want to share. And 99% of the time I get away with it. When someone asks if I have eaten or if I want to try something, I redirect the conversation until they stop asking too much.
PS: I’m sorry of my posts get jumbled up and don’t always make sense. I can’t concentrate long enough to write as well as I once did.
PPS: My inbox is ALWAYS open for questions or advice. I do not support Pro-Ana lifestyle, but I am happy to talk to anyone who needs someone to listen.