Thanksgiving is Coming

Last night my mother was going over all the things she was planning to cook for thanksgiving this year.  Every single item is something I don’t eat.  That should make things ok, except the family is sooooo small that if I don’t eat, they will notice.  I’m already panicking about the entire day.  What if I lose it and just eat everything, what if I can’t stop?  Dear God I really do have control issues.

I think I have managed to avoid a birthday cake this week.  Although I do have dinner plans with my roommate.  The trouble is, I’m going to panic trying to eat in front of her.  I had dinner with my best friend, her boyfriend, and her hot roommate (he is yummy).  I was too nervous to order what I wanted, I got chicken tenders instead, then only ate 2 of them.  I ate the rest all alone, later.  That’s what I do.  I freak out about eating with ppl, and end up stuffing myself while alone.  Maybe I can get myself high enough that I will be able to eat like a mostly normal human being, at least for the holiday meals.  If not, I guess I’ll take a one-way ticket to Purge Town.

The holidays are going to be full of cakes and cookies, big meals, and obligations.  None of which I have any desire to be a part of.  The more active I am in all of this, the more likely I am to eat.  I need to keep it together.  I can’t keep eating.  Oh sure, my potassium level is dangerously low, my electrolytes are all screwed up, I lack calcium, protein, fats, carbs, etc.  I really NEED to eat a balanced meal.  But I’m terrified.  I wanted to eat a banana the other day, to help with the leg cramps and nausea, but bananas scare me.

***I should do a post about foods that scare me.  Would anyone be interested in that?***

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