Last night my mother was going over all the things she was planning to cook for thanksgiving this year. Every single item is something I don’t eat. That should make things ok, except the family is sooooo small that if I don’t eat, they will notice. I’m already panicking about the entire day. What if I lose it and just eat everything, what if I can’t stop? Dear God I really do have control issues.
I think I have managed to avoid a birthday cake this week. Although I do have dinner plans with my roommate. The trouble is, I’m going to panic trying to eat in front of her. I had dinner with my best friend, her boyfriend, and her hot roommate (he is yummy). I was too nervous to order what I wanted, I got chicken tenders instead, then only ate 2 of them. I ate the rest all alone, later. That’s what I do. I freak out about eating with ppl, and end up stuffing myself while alone. Maybe I can get myself high enough that I will be able to eat like a mostly normal human being, at least for the holiday meals. If not, I guess I’ll take a one-way ticket to Purge Town.
The holidays are going to be full of cakes and cookies, big meals, and obligations. None of which I have any desire to be a part of. The more active I am in all of this, the more likely I am to eat. I need to keep it together. I can’t keep eating. Oh sure, my potassium level is dangerously low, my electrolytes are all screwed up, I lack calcium, protein, fats, carbs, etc. I really NEED to eat a balanced meal. But I’m terrified. I wanted to eat a banana the other day, to help with the leg cramps and nausea, but bananas scare me.
***I should do a post about foods that scare me. Would anyone be interested in that?***