So yesterday was the worst day ever. I woke up in a bad place, I actually collapsed on my bedroom floor crying. Yes, I managed to cry, only for a minute, though. Got to work and it just went downhill from there. A friend of mine who works with me called our boss to discuss the environment at the shop. She was very upset because we have all been complaining about how our boss talks about us behind our back and makes working their unbearable. I heard my name multiple times in the conversation and I knew that wasn’t good. Afterwards, my boss took me in the office to find out what was going on. I was blindsided and had no idea what to say. I tried to figure out what to say and how to handle this but to no avail. Fortunately we were called aside for customers. When we returned to the topic, I’d had a moment to collect my thoughts. I told my boss that I have heard she complains about how I dress (we can only wear black pants and white shirts so I’m not sure how I dress differently), and that I do some things too early. I’ve heard this from different ppl so I can’t say its one person stirring the pot. My boss swore over and over that she never said any of those things. She wanted to know who told me. I answered honestly and she was shocked. One of the people who told me the boss said something is actually my best friend, or I thought she was. It turns out she is the one who told our boss that I’m doing things early. Our boss has no idea how she would even know it was being done early. I have no reason not to believe that she didn’t say those things. But now I don’t know who to trust and I feel like I’ve been used, manipulated and generally screwed with. The boss was worried we would take it out on my friend who called to confront her. I spent all last night texting back and forth with her, letting her know I didn’t blame her and that I feel just as lost and angry as she does. I dread work today.
But the day continued. Toward evening we had a customer call and request a special cake. No big deal, except I wasn’t sure if we made that particular design. When the customer began screaming at the new girl trying to take the order, I took over the call. The customer then proceeded to scream at me for telling her she never got that cake from us. I tried to calm her down, saying that I never denied she got the cake, I simply wasn’t sure if we still made the cake. This went on and on with her screaming so loudly that people in the shop could hear her over the phone. I finally calmed her down enough to put her on hold. My hands were shaking violently. I could barely find the cake design because I couldn’t turn the pages easily. Once I took the order and confirmed everything, the woman was pleasant. But by then I was so done with the day.
I had been sick to my stomach all day, food just didn’t want to go in or stay in. I’m sure I burned ten million calories with the adrenaline pumping through my veins, I’ve never shook so hard before. But of course I was stressed, and baked out of my mind, so I ate about 1000 calories last night. I’m afraid to face the scale this morning. I did tell my friend I had something I wanted to talk to her about. I feel like I can trust her, of course I thought I could trust my other friend and that led me to insanity. I’d like to tell this friend about my ED. I just want someone to care, because I feel like no one does and I keep running out of people to talk to. I don’t want to bother anyone, it’s not their battle. I feel like if I talk to people about it, they will be annoyed or think I’m a downer. I even think I annoy the people who follow this blog, it’s always depressing shit on here. I just want someone to care that I’m falling apart instead of praising me and telling me how proud they are. Please stop being proud that I am slowly committing suicide.