I still control this

My brain has been fucking with me a lot lately.  It keeps telling me I need to stop faking this because that’s something crazy people do.  But at the same time, I keep thinking that I need to get help, need to tell someone.  I guess I believe I am doing this for the attention because I managed to tell my best friend and she has not mentioned it since.  That makes me sad.  Apparently even she doesn’t believe I’m sick.  Why would she, I don’t look sick.  Most days I think I am still in control here, I could stop if I wanted too.  But then I realize that it’s not even a question anymore, I wake up and don’t eat.  When I do eat, I plan fasts and such as punishment.  Food makes my stomach hurt so much.  My legs and calves ache constantly.  I’m cold and tired, my skin is so dry that it cracks and bleeds, my hair falls out when I shower, I feel disgusted with myself all the time.  But when I have a good day, one where I feel happy, then I immediately think ‘I’m not sick, I’m in control.’  I’m lying of course.

I went out with friends last night, and on a blind date.  I was cheery and mostly normal.  I liked the guy.  Everything seemed splendid.  But then today I got stuck in these thoughts that he doesn’t like me back or maybe I somehow offended him and I haven’t heard from anyone about whether or not he liked me, although I answered honestly when they asked if I liked him.  So here I am beyond depressed and stuck in my own thoughts.  Because I am still in control of this, I’m not sick.

Yeah, right…


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