The bladder infection apparently didn’t clear up entirely and has resurfaced. That means more antibiotics, more nausea medicine, more pain killers. I just can’t seem to shake this. I also went to the lady-parts doctor to be sure everything was in the right location. She said the pain could be a cyst associated with ovulation. If the pain persists, I will need an ultrasound to determine the size and location. Oh goody!
I’m tired. I’m sore. I’m hungry. Nothing I am doing is getting the weight off and I continue to binge, even when I’m sober. So yet another full-on fast, complete with abstaining from marijuana. Without the drugs, I can get that hateful voice back. It’s the only thing I have that helps me lose weight and stay on track. My drugs work like antidepressants. Without them, I am broken and sad. But if I don’t do this, I will gain more weight and that thought absolutely terrifies me.
My mother actually suggested that I begin slowly adding foods back into my diet so that I don’t become afraid to eat. I immediately thought to myself “it’s too late for that.” I feel guilty for eating celery, carrot sticks, and cauliflower today. All I see is the fat. I actually believe that I can see the extra weight when I gain a few ounces. I’ve gotten to where I think some of the supermodels could stand to lose a few pounds. I also try to guess the size of people I see in public. I think to myself “oh she’s got to be a size 4” or “she looks like a size 16, am I smaller than her?” I wear a size 12 so I must be smaller than the larger people I see, however I can’t accept that I’ve changed sizes. In my mind, I still weigh so much more. I’m continually surprised when things fit in smaller sizes.