Sick, again

The bladder infection apparently didn’t clear up entirely and has resurfaced.  That means more antibiotics, more nausea medicine, more pain killers.  I just can’t seem to shake this.  I also went to the lady-parts doctor to be sure everything was in the right location.  She said the pain could be a cyst associated with ovulation.  If the pain persists, I will need an ultrasound to determine the size and location.  Oh goody!

I’m tired.  I’m sore.  I’m hungry.  Nothing I am doing is getting the weight off and I continue to binge, even when I’m sober.  So yet another full-on fast, complete with abstaining from marijuana.  Without the drugs, I can get that hateful voice back.  It’s the only thing I have that helps me lose weight and stay on track.  My drugs work like antidepressants.  Without them, I am broken and sad.  But if I don’t do this, I will gain more weight and that thought absolutely terrifies me.

My mother actually suggested that I begin slowly adding foods back into my diet so that I don’t become afraid to eat.  I immediately thought to myself “it’s too late for that.”  I feel guilty for eating celery, carrot sticks, and cauliflower today.  All I see is the fat.  I actually believe that I can see the extra weight when I gain a few ounces.  I’ve gotten to where I think some of the supermodels could stand to lose a few pounds.  I also try to guess the size of people I see in public.  I think to myself “oh she’s got to be a size 4” or “she looks like a size 16, am I smaller than her?”  I wear a size 12 so I must be smaller than the larger people I see, however I can’t accept that I’ve changed sizes.  In my mind, I still weigh so much more.  I’m continually surprised when things fit in smaller sizes.

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11 comments on “Sick, again

  1. Just want to let you know that there is someone out here who understands. I am a size 6, and in my mind I know that’s not big because I can remember saying if only I could get down to a size 6, I’d be happy! Right! You understand that, I’m sure. But, when I look in the mirror, what I see is a size 16. People just laugh and say, “oh sure, right!” I even have a feeding tube and there are days I’m afraid to even do that for fear of gaining weight. sigh……………………..I can look at someone that’s a size 16 and say that that isn’t fat! It’s such a vicious disease! I wish you the best on your journey! 🙂

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    • I know what you mean. I used to never think size 12 would happen. I used to look at ppl that small and think I would never get here. Now I look at myself and I don’t see myself any smaller. I panic over celery, so I understand panicking over a feeding tube. I keep hoping I’ll pass out so someone will tell me it’s ok to stop. But then I realize I’m not small and so I must keep going.

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  2. Well, you probably are small, in reality. That’s really easy for me to say about someone else because I am the fattest person on the face of this earth. Hell, I wouldn’t dare eat celery! I’d probably gain 25 more pounds!!! No passing out, please. You do not want a feeding tube, trust me on this one! I can’t bring myself to do it every day because they want me to gain weight, and well, I’m not going to be gaining any weight if I can help it. Maybe I’ll do one tomorrow, we’ll just have to see how I feel in the morning. I’ll also have to see how I look in the mirror tomorrow. I’ve been very distended for the past several days, now. So, I look like I swallowed a basketball, not even kidding. Haven’t eaten much and I look like I’ve swallowed a basketball, isn’t that great? I didn’t even get up out of bed on Thanksgiving, and it was at my house! I didn’t eat one bite of turkey, either. hang in there. You’re not alone on this journey. I get it. I live it. I care. I’m here for you anytime you want to talk. I can relate. There aren’t too many people that I know, that can relate. I had a friend refer to me as tiny, 2 days ago. LOL she’s real funny………………………………Take care, my new friend. 🙂

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    • I know the basketball feeling. I finally realized that the reason my stomach looks big is because I can’t eat and I’m beyond malnourished. I nearly passed out on my balcony tonight, all alone in the dark. Scared me half to death. Not as bad as when it happened earlier tonight on my parent’s front porch, but still scary.

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      • Yeah, I know all about that feeling like passing out. I feel that way, often! Now, don’t be passing out anywhere, especially when you’re alone. Just try to get up slowly. I know, you were probably already up. It is a scary feeling, that’s for sure! When I became malnourished and remained that way for , well until I got my feeding tube. I spent many nights in and out of the hospital. I’m surprised your doctor hasn’t put a feeding tube in you. Does your doctor ever say anything about you being malnourished? Or do you avoid doctor’s the best you can. I try to, but I have so many other things wrong with me that I have a specialty doctor for just about everything. Sigh………..I cannot stand it when they always make me get on that damn scale! I always try to walk right on past it, but I never get away with it. I’m like shit, I was just here last week, do you really need to weigh me, again? yes, yes, we do! That’s a bunch of bullshit! me and the scale are not friends. I’ll get on the damn scale when I feel the need to………I don’t need to be weighed 5 times a week if I go to 5 different doctors! Now, if I were 500 pounds that would be different. I look like I weigh about 489 pounds! LOL no, seriously, I do! No passing out! Keep on keepin on…..:)

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      • I don’t see any doctors, EVER. I keep things under control on my own. I go to the er when i get really sick and that is all. The thing is, im not small. I’m just under a size 8. But I haven’t eaten 3 meals of proper size in one day in, maybe, 11 months. Most days I don’t even eat a meal, some days I don’t eat enough to qualify as a snack. As for the scale, well I hate my scale. It tells me 6 different weights each morning, I never know which is correct. I move it around and weigh, over and over until I get one number twice. I have to get up early to do this before work. It’s fucking madness.

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      • Yeah, I spend a lot of time in the ER, too. I haven’t eaten 3 meals of proper size, in one day, for as long as I can remember. I guess, after awhile, we quit losing weight because as some of these doctor’s claim, my metabolism has slowed way down because my body is in starvation mode and holding on to everything, all the fat! They say you have to eat to lose weight. Then they say I don’t need to lose weight, so if that were true, why do they tell me to eat to lose weight? Makes no damn sense to me, that eating will cause weight loss. That’s a bunch of bullshit and I can see right through it. If I can’t lose weight, eating very little, or doing tube feedings, I don’t believe if I eat more that I’ll lose any weight. Eventually it has to fall off. I broke my last scale, but I bought a new one. If I feel like I’ve gained weight I will not go near it, but if I happen to feel I may have lost some weight, I’ll hop on it and see! And, of course, no one else’s scale is ever the same as mine! Yes, it’s fucking madness!

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      • I’m still losing weight, several ounces every day. Unless I get too high and like, eat something. Or when my parents force me to eat, even though I don’t live with them. I try to eat whenever I try new drugs too, I worry that I will pass out and spoil the fun. I actually kinda want to pass out in front of people, just to find out what they would do, like would they care. That probably sounds really dumb.

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      • Yeah, that getting high can cause me to do some eating and I don’t like that part of it, but that’s what I do. I try not to keep food in my room, anymore. If I get high enough, I’m afraid I’ll fall down the stairs if I go down there to get something to eat! lol 🙂 I hate it when people try to make me eat because I do have gastroparesis and eating does make me sick. I don’t know if anyone would care if we passed out. They sure as hell don’t give a rat’s ass about me when I’m conscious!!!! Maybe, I’ll try it out and let you know if anyone gives a damn. I can easily pass out. I just won’t fight it next time. I’ll let ya know how it works out for me. lol lol 🙂 Don’t go breaking your neck or anything. Fall gracefully, whatever you do!!!!

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      • I really want to know what my bff and her hot roommate would do. I mean I already slept with him, but he doesn’t know about the ED and she does. I just don’t want anyone calling the paramedics and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t.

        My asshole roommate told my parents that I don’t eat. Which isn’t a lie, but BITCH SERSLY? Now my mother, on the other hand, won’t let me eat too much because, and I quote here, “I don’t want you to get fat again.” Yes please tell your anorexic daughter that a piece of chocolate is too much for her, maybe she could share it with her father. Oh wait, no, 2 mini peppermint patties is more than enough. This is at least twice now that she has told me not to eat too much or I will get fat again. She even called me her chubby girl when referring to me before I got sick. JFC I need more drugs in my life. Where is the Molly when you need it?

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      • Paramedics are such assholes, anyway. Last time I had to take an ambulance ride to the hospital, the paramedic asked me about my medications. Well, I’m on about 32 or something like that, so I always keep a list with me, and I do update the damn thing every now and again and I put updated and the date at the top. Okay, so I’m in the ambulance and he asked about the meds, I told him that I had a list in my purse, so I got it out and handed it to him, and the mother fucker said, “may I ask why you just updated this 3 days ago?” Seriously? WTF? Is it a crime, does that make me look suspicious of something that I’m unaware of, for updating my drug list? PLEASE, people! I have no clue why he needed to know. I just told him that I update it every so often to keep it up to date. Medications change. SHIT! You’re telling me, if you pass out, your BFF of a room mate wouldn’t call the paramedics for you, especially when she doesn’t know about the ED? When I was younger, I remember if I ever went for seconds, I was told I needed to watch it. I watched my mother not eating much, if anything at all. She’s never been fat a day in her life, but I watched and I learned from her. I’m not blaming her because I am responsible for my own behaviors, but you learn what you live and you live what you learn. To this day, she will ask me what I weigh and if I’m still a size 6 because she doesn’t believe me and thinks I wear a size 4. I wish!!!! Do you think I’m going to lie and say a size bigger than I am, oh hell no! My mom and I are really close. I’m sure she learned her shit from her mother. When my grandma got old, we found out that she had been using laxatives all her life to stay thin. She couldn’t go to the bathroom without them. It’s a big ole vicsious circle!!! When I was little my grandpa would call me little fat girl. Okay, I was like 8 and not fat, and that’s why he called me that. He was being sarcastic, but an 8 year old girl doesn’t know that. I thought I was fat in kindergarten!!! I was not. I can clearly see in all the pictures, but in all the pictures now, all I see is a big, fat ass, staring back at me, that same fat ass that glares back at me from the mirror!!! Speaking of drugs, I’ve got to take mine and try to sleep, ha ha. I have an appointment tomorrow morning, so I best make an attempt. It’s been nice talking to you. I”ll be back tomorrow. Have a good night. Molly, ok. Passing out, NOT! 🙂

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