Realizing

I’ve recently come to realize some things about myself.

  1. I once could fast for 4 or 5 days straight.  I would get a little tired, but I managed just fine.  Now, by day 2 I’m exhausted and so beyond hungry that I’m in pain.  I’m just finishing day 2 of my “punishment fast” and I dread work tomorrow.  I know that day 3 will be torture, and day 4 is going to be terrifying.  I’m not shaking or dizzy.  I rarely feel either unless I stand up quickly.  Since these are the hallmarks of starvation, the nagging voice tells me I must be doing something wrong.  I must be faking or not restricting enough.
  2. My mind cannot wrap itself around zero and almost-zero calorie foods.  Strictly speaking of caloric intake, I should be fine with these foods.  Cauliflower and mustard are so low in calories that eating them shouldn’t make me panic.  I thought these were my safe foods.  Which leads me to number 3.
  3. Safe foods.  I once had a list of foods I deemed safe.  Things I could eat large quantities of without worrying about weight gain.  Evidently I no longer have safe foods.  I panic when I think about eating a pickle or an olive.  Constantly asking myself how much fat this will add to my body.  I’ve gotten to where eating anything terrifies me.
  4. Shopping.  Specifically, grocery shopping.  I didn’t know how neurotic my shopping behaviours had become until I took my father shopping with me.  Some of this is related to my OCD.  I have a set pattern in the store and deviating from that makes me confused, lost, and panicked.  But I also read every single label, looking at both calories and ingredients.  I tried to be discreet while doing this, but with someone constantly watching you, it becomes nearly impossible.  “Did he notice that everything I bought was low-calorie?”  “Did he see me read the label of that jelly?”  I worried that he would notice me comparing serving size to calorie count.  About half way through shopping, I became so overwhelmed that I just wanted to skip shopping altogether.  I already knew that I spend hours shopping because I have to read the labels.  I also constantly talk myself out of buying this or that because 100 calories for a single serving is impossibly high.  These things are difficult to hide with someone watching.  I guess I didn’t realize it had gotten that extreme.  Fortunately I can claim the excuse of expense.  “I can’t afford that.”  Works at hiding my neurotic behaviours.
  5. Drugs, or marijuana.  Anytime I have had to go without for more than a day, I slip into a deep depression.  Previously, I went without due to lack of bud.  This time is different.  I am forcing myself not to smoke because I don’t deserve to smoke.  I have become reliant on the calming properties to keep my suicidal tendencies at bay.  It also quiets the angry voice in my head telling me I’m disgusting.
  6. It occurred to me that by allowing the voice to take back the lead, by not getting high, I am forcing my eating disorder to get me back on track.  I became too relaxed.  I would get stoned and then snack.  I snacked on approved foods, mostly (chicken nuggets or fries are still my drugged out crave).  Sure, it might have only been a single pound gained, but if I continue that path, it’s another and another and then a few more pounds.

I can’t stress this enough, I didn’t realize I had gotten this bad.  I didn’t think my behaviours had changed that much.  I was wrong.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s