This week I managed a two-day fast. It left me physically drained and sick. A friend forced me to eat. The next day, I was visiting my parents. While waiting on my father to arrive home, my mother told me “you get prettier with every pound you lose.” I wanted to vomit. All I could think was, ‘you wouldn’t say things like that if you knew what I was doing to myself, or maybe you would.’ My mother is very much about appearances. We must not appear to be unhappy, or in need of help, we don’t air our dirty laundry. I’ve heard this garbage my whole life. That, coupled with constantly being cut off or overshadowed when I try to speak or do anything has clearly left me screwed up. She also asked if I was alright since I seemed distracted the day before. Since I was weak from fasting and couldn’t tell her that, I lied and said I was just tired. I think my parents might be getting suspicious. Thank the stars I don’t live at home any longer.
While visiting, I also did some baking. I adore baking, but my own kitchen has a shitty oven. I also don’t eat anything, so baking for myself is stupid and wasteful. While baking, I kept tasting and snacking. I also ate lunch while visiting. It was only a salad from the sub shop, but it made me feel dirty and wrong. The sad thing was, it had absolutely no taste to me. It was bland and unsatisfying. I wasted calories on garbage. I came to the realization that I can never stop this cycle of fasting and starving, because when I do, I’ll go back to eating anything and everything. If I do that, I’ll weigh more than I did before this all started. I’ve started punishing myself for eating by denying myself drugs. It’s not a nice trade. I realized the only way for me to ever recover is to go to the hospital and be admitted. The therapy I did in high school, the last time this reared its ugly head, would not work now. Relapse is a bitch. And no, no one remembers that I was sick in high school, because they all assumed it was for attention.
I’m currently starting day two of yet another fast. I’ve also been looking at more thinspo and advice from others. The angry voice screams at me mercilessly. The other night it carried on until I was near tears, telling me how ugly, how worthless, how stupid I am. I finally screamed back. I said I knew all of that and I know he will never think I’m special or pretty or worth anything. He will never be attracted to me. And for a brief moment, my mind was quiet. And here I am three days later, fasting yet again. I feel guilty when I eat anything, even cauliflower and pickles, so fasting is the only thing I can do. I need to start working out again, I don’t know if I the energy for it, but if it helps me get to bones quicker, I’ll fight with every ounce I have left.