While I have no interest in recovering from my eating disorder, I would like for someone else to know about it. So I have reached out to my best friend. I told her there was something I wanted to talk to her about. I am absolutely terrified at what she will say or do. I can’t bear the thought of her rejecting me or not believing me. I don’t know how to tell her, exactly, but I know I need to tell someone. I’ve asked advice from several people, just how to start the conversation. One friend suggested I just start by saying “I have something important to tell you and I don’t know how to say it because I don’t even want to say it.” She didn’t know what or who or anything, but the advice was good. Another friend, someone who does know, has truly encouraged me to tell. She checks on me and tells me I can do this, that I deserve better.
My concern has grown regarding my health. My pulse is quite low, while in the emergency room several weeks ago, it repeatedly dipped below 50 bpm. I stopped by the pharmacy after work today, just to use their blood pressure machine, it gives the pulse as well. Keeping in mind that while working an 8 hour shift on an empty stomach, I consumed a large dark roast coffee and nothing else. After work, I smoked a cigarette and parked as far from the door as possible. So when I finally got to the machine, it said my pulse was 80 bpm. I’m wondering if it would have been lower had I not done so many things to raise it. There are some other things about my health that have concerned me, but I’m too high to type anymore tonight.