Why can’t I see it?

This post is going to be a repeat of things I’m sure I have posted before, but I can’t remember.  Sometimes I compose posts in my head and forget to actually type them.

Today was going well.  Did my errands and such, no problem.  Spent sometime with the parentals at an event.  I gave myself permission to have one naked hot dog with some mustard.  And that’s what I had, it was just enough to let them see me eat.  The thing was burnt to a crisp, and I hate burnt or blackened things.  I ate most of it tho.  The nausea has not gone away and I am nearly out of the medication from the hospital.  Being constantly surrounded by food, advertisements for food, and people talking about food, makes me just want to eat more and more.  When I got home, I just wanted to binge.  I tried to be sensible, made a salad and put my last apple on it, had a pickle spear, then i had some pumpkin soup.  Before I even finished, the stomach pains started.  They grew intense, naturally resulting in me throwing up.  Now I feel like shit.  Evidently my body has forgotten how to properly digest the food I give it.  Crackers are the only thing that doesn’t make me sick.  And yes I know I claim to not eat grains, but I found some very low-calorie crackers and I have been eating the shit out of them.

As part of my errands today, I had to see a group of people who I haven’t seen in over a year.  Most of them didn’t recognize me, which meant I had to endure the questions and looks of surprise.  I also sat there today comparing and coveting the size of the people around me.  Rather than paying attention, I was looking at how small her ankles are or how thin that girls fingers are, all the time wishing it was me.  And every time I see my father, he tells me how small I am.  He let me borrow his coat today, I was freezing as usual.  It nearly wrapped around me double.  He is not a large man.  In fact he has always been obsessed with fitness and clean eating.  He is incredibly muscular and fit.  Somehow, a coat that fits him nicely is huge on me.  I still can’t see a difference in my size.  In my mind, I am still much larger than him.  When I shop for clothes, I instinctively say that I need an XL shirt, although a large would probably be loose.  I look at people around me and imagine what size they must wear (always assuming its smaller than me).  Why can’t I see it?  Why is it that when I look in the mirror I don’t see a size 14, I see a size 24?

Every now and then, and by that I mean rarely, I will look in the mirror and see something pleasing, something that doesn’t make me want to run laps around the apartment complex.  Why can’t I see that every day?

One more thing…I got caught up in the lie that is me being paleo.  In truth, I follow the paleo diet to keep me from eating anything in sight.  But the bottom line is, I eat things with very few calories.  Once I got that back into my brain, I was able to get back to fasting properly.  Ok, I may still be working on getting it back in order, but I am trying.


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