What I ate today

I also decided to start a new category.  The title explains, of course.  I hope this helps with my accountability.

Today so far I have eaten and it’s morning.  I usually only eat at night when I’m stoned.  Today already sucks.

1 Can of tuna, 90 calories

4 Chestnut flour crackers, 60 calories

Bleu Cheese Dressing, 0 calories  (it’s actually not a bad dressing! and its dairy free)

1 pickle spear

1 Small Banana, 90 calories

 

I want to purge, but I am trying to convince myself that fasting every single day is not a good idea and I can still have a little bit of food.  This is part of why I want my bff to know, maybe she can help convince me that a couple hundred calories is still a good thing.  But, oh god “a couple hundred” sounds like so much and I’ve already had 240 calories today.

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3 comments on “What I ate today

  1. Tell them. Tell your best friend. Or tell a stranger. Tell someone. Telling this blog is the first step. A huge step. A couple hundred calories is okay, eating is okay. God do I get it, food can be a nightmare. You read the back of a label and you see that there is 5 grams of trans fat and 36 grams of sugar and god this is 240 calories per serving and you think to youself I can’t eat this I will get fat and being fat is so wrong. I wish I could tell you that tomorrow you are gonna wake up and everything is going to be okay and that you will be able to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner and everything will be fine. What I can tell you is that support from someone you love can be the turning point you need. So from a stranger on the internet I hope that you live a long happy fulfilling life and that someday food will not be the enemy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I guess you can see from my blog that many days I struggle to get 100 calories in. I have done better recently but the need to fast haunts me while I type this. I look at boxes and wrappers and I think 80 calories for 6 of something is just too much. I don’t even eat a whole piece of gum at once bc it’s 10 calories. But then I get into the drugs and eat until I’m sick after that. So I feel like a hypocrite. But thank you for responding. It means the world to me.

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      • Fasting and binge eating, I’ve been there. It’s hard because your internal storm is driving this cycle. You don’t eat and than eventually when you do you eat to much because your starving than your guilty for eating and thus continues the cycle. Eventually you gonna break the cycle. It can go well and you can be back on the path to a good relationship with food or it can go bad and you can continue down the road of anorexia until it consumes you. To be honest I went that way I was total consumed in this world of self hate. It took me sharing my story to get me to realize that this wasn’t normal. That other people could eat cheeseburger or oranges without crying or puking it up later. That you don’t have to choose between going over to dinner or having to cancel because if someone sees that your not eating they will tell someone and they will make you eat. Which you need to do. One day when someone asks you if you want an orange you’ll be able to say yes hesitation. Your not a hypocrite and I do hope that you tell your friend or even a parent or friend. Life can be so beautiful and bright and you deserve to be able to see it that way!

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