Hungry

I am so freaking hungry.  I just want to eat whatever the hell I want today, but I am beyond terrified that it will trigger something in me and I won’t be able to stop.  I can’t go back to that size.  So rather than listening to the voice in my head telling me to eat anything I want, I am going to stick to my approved foods.  Although sushi sounds delightful!  Thoughts of food run constantly through my head.  It’s an obsession.  I think about how things taste and the feel of it in my mouth.  At least 20 times a day I mention some random food that sounds really good at that moment.

I hear more and more comments about my lack of eating.  Another coworker made a comment the other day after I said how good the brownies looked and she offered me one.  It was subtle, I said no thank you and she said “I didn’t think you would, you never do.”  We don’t work together all that often, I never would have thought she would notice.  It doesn’t help that my boss likes to talk about everyone with everyone else.  She gossips with the best of them!  I’m suddenly worried that she will put things together and figure out what I’m doing.

I’m sorry, I can’t concentrate right now.  I’ve been distracted by 30 different things just writing that last paragraph.

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