Triggers

I’ve been thinking about what triggers me, lately.  The first and most important trigger is the presence of food in my house.  To prevent this from causing me too much trouble, I don’t keep much here.  Mostly pickles and tomatoes.  The second trigger is my family.  I don’t live at home, so it’s only a problem when I visit.  I know I need to eat when I’m around them to prevent suspicion.  I guess giving myself that permission, led to me always suggesting we get something when we go out or when I visit.  Tonight was a good example, my mother suggested that my father and I get dinner while we were out.  Now I had no idea how I was going to weasel out of that one.  Fortunately the place we had planned to go was closed.  I suggested coffee instead.  It was a nice trade-off.  I know I need to work on saying NO when I spend time with them.  Third, well sometimes my brain just insists that I eat.  If I have anything at all in the morning, I know the entire day will be a failure.  That first bite of anything makes me want more and more and more.

Plenty of other things out there in the world make me want to fast more and more.

I can’t even remember what it’s like to wake up and just eat three meals and not freak out about how many calories I just consumed and whether or not I can see the fat growing on my body.  I would love to have a normal food day.  I have never had a healthy relationship with food.  I either eat until I’m so sick I can’t move (ahem, an entire pack of Oreo’s) or I refuse to eat until I’m sick.  I’ve done this my whole life.  I guess the eating disorder just chose me.  I can’t go back and pinpoint an exact event that led to this.  Several small things here and there just dropped me further and further into depression and self-hatred.  My mother and grandmother were always complaining about being overweight despite the constant overeating on both parts.  I remember feeling bigger than the kids in my 3rd grade class.  I was chubby, but not really any larger than the other kids.  Oh, there were the scrawny girls, as well, and it was those girls that I wanted to be like.  I wanted to be little and cute and have little matching outfits.  Something prior to that led to me feeling inadequate.  I have always felt “not good enough.”  It’s this that has left me unable to date or find/pursue jobs for which I am more than qualified.  My fear of failure and rejection has paralyzed me in a way I can barely understand.  I do know that this latest relapse, of sorts, was due to a violent mood swing in my family.  Because of that, I sank into a depression and that brought about my need to control something.  When I can’t control the things around me, I seek to control something about me.  In this case, I stopped eating.

Love from the dark side.

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