I’ve been thinking about what triggers me, lately.  The first and most important trigger is the presence of food in my house.  To prevent this from causing me too much trouble, I don’t keep much here.  Mostly pickles and tomatoes.  The second trigger is my family.  I don’t live at home, so it’s only a problem when I visit.  I know I need to eat when I’m around them to prevent suspicion.  I guess giving myself that permission, led to me always suggesting we get something when we go out or when I visit.  Tonight was a good example, my mother suggested that my father and I get dinner while we were out.  Now I had no idea how I was going to weasel out of that one.  Fortunately the place we had planned to go was closed.  I suggested coffee instead.  It was a nice trade-off.  I know I need to work on saying NO when I spend time with them.  Third, well sometimes my brain just insists that I eat.  If I have anything at all in the morning, I know the entire day will be a failure.  That first bite of anything makes me want more and more and more.

Plenty of other things out there in the world make me want to fast more and more.

I can’t even remember what it’s like to wake up and just eat three meals and not freak out about how many calories I just consumed and whether or not I can see the fat growing on my body.  I would love to have a normal food day.  I have never had a healthy relationship with food.  I either eat until I’m so sick I can’t move (ahem, an entire pack of Oreo’s) or I refuse to eat until I’m sick.  I’ve done this my whole life.  I guess the eating disorder just chose me.  I can’t go back and pinpoint an exact event that led to this.  Several small things here and there just dropped me further and further into depression and self-hatred.  My mother and grandmother were always complaining about being overweight despite the constant overeating on both parts.  I remember feeling bigger than the kids in my 3rd grade class.  I was chubby, but not really any larger than the other kids.  Oh, there were the scrawny girls, as well, and it was those girls that I wanted to be like.  I wanted to be little and cute and have little matching outfits.  Something prior to that led to me feeling inadequate.  I have always felt “not good enough.”  It’s this that has left me unable to date or find/pursue jobs for which I am more than qualified.  My fear of failure and rejection has paralyzed me in a way I can barely understand.  I do know that this latest relapse, of sorts, was due to a violent mood swing in my family.  Because of that, I sank into a depression and that brought about my need to control something.  When I can’t control the things around me, I seek to control something about me.  In this case, I stopped eating.

Love from the dark side.


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