I’ve been thinking about what triggers me, lately. The first and most important trigger is the presence of food in my house. To prevent this from causing me too much trouble, I don’t keep much here. Mostly pickles and tomatoes. The second trigger is my family. I don’t live at home, so it’s only a problem when I visit. I know I need to eat when I’m around them to prevent suspicion. I guess giving myself that permission, led to me always suggesting we get something when we go out or when I visit. Tonight was a good example, my mother suggested that my father and I get dinner while we were out. Now I had no idea how I was going to weasel out of that one. Fortunately the place we had planned to go was closed. I suggested coffee instead. It was a nice trade-off. I know I need to work on saying NO when I spend time with them. Third, well sometimes my brain just insists that I eat. If I have anything at all in the morning, I know the entire day will be a failure. That first bite of anything makes me want more and more and more.
Plenty of other things out there in the world make me want to fast more and more.
I can’t even remember what it’s like to wake up and just eat three meals and not freak out about how many calories I just consumed and whether or not I can see the fat growing on my body. I would love to have a normal food day. I have never had a healthy relationship with food. I either eat until I’m so sick I can’t move (ahem, an entire pack of Oreo’s) or I refuse to eat until I’m sick. I’ve done this my whole life. I guess the eating disorder just chose me. I can’t go back and pinpoint an exact event that led to this. Several small things here and there just dropped me further and further into depression and self-hatred. My mother and grandmother were always complaining about being overweight despite the constant overeating on both parts. I remember feeling bigger than the kids in my 3rd grade class. I was chubby, but not really any larger than the other kids. Oh, there were the scrawny girls, as well, and it was those girls that I wanted to be like. I wanted to be little and cute and have little matching outfits. Something prior to that led to me feeling inadequate. I have always felt “not good enough.” It’s this that has left me unable to date or find/pursue jobs for which I am more than qualified. My fear of failure and rejection has paralyzed me in a way I can barely understand. I do know that this latest relapse, of sorts, was due to a violent mood swing in my family. Because of that, I sank into a depression and that brought about my need to control something. When I can’t control the things around me, I seek to control something about me. In this case, I stopped eating.
Love from the dark side.