I’ve been struggling lately to keep my eating in check. The other night I was stoned out of my mind and got a 20 piece chicken nugget meal. I ate the entire thing. Then the next night, I got drunk and had a potato pancake and sweet potato fries. Today began with me just waking up and eating something. I’m so freaking hungry all the time.
The crazy thing is, after every single one of these snacking days, I have lost more weight. Not once did it show a gain. 129 pounds in total, lost now. I’m so confused. I know if I keep going at this rate, I will gain it all back. But at the same time, I know fasting as I do is doing serious damage to my body. Hell, I couldn’t tell the difference between my body rejecting food and a serious bladder infection.
So this started as a draft about me confessing. But after today, I need to say something else. My energy levels dropped to nothing while at work and I barely made it through. I had to come home and force myself to change my clothes before I laid down. I am back to freezing and I’m still drained of all energy. I feel like death. My joints are sore. I could barely walk my dog and then climbing the steps to my apartment was torture. I actually had to stop half way and rest for a second. The self loathing returned. I can tell I’ve entered a depressive mood and I honestly don’t care because I know it means that I will be able to fast and lose more weight. My goal is to lose 3 more pounds this week.
I think I have more to say but my concentration is faltering. Maybe tomorrow.