Over time, I have noticed things changing. Like little side effects of this disorder. Lately, I’ve been so exhausted after very little effort. Walking around a store or two today just wore me out. And of course, my father noticed. He’s an above average intelligent man, so I have to plan everything I say and do to avoid suspicion. He has been questioning me on how much I’m getting to eat and if I’m getting enough nutrition. It’s making me nervous. I don’t want to get healthy, I want to get beautiful and that is not possible in a treatment programme. I just need to lose 90 more pounds. So between my father growing more suspicious and my mother orchestrating events to make me think I am attractive, I am exhausted and stressed. To top it off, I still have no idea what I actually look like. I look at bigger people and think, ‘oh, no, you must only be a size 12. I’m a size 16 so I must be twice as big as you.’ I can’t seem to figure out just how big I am, I just know that I’m massive.
Today was a loss. I had 2 meals with my parents, both of which included foods I don’t eat at all. But I ate anyway. While watching tv tonight, my mother turned to me and said “I don’t want you to come over if you are going to be out of control with your eating, since you ate things that aren’t on your diet, with us today.” She was worried that my coming around them made me eat more than I should. On one hand, it hurts to think that my mother feels she might be responsible for me blowing my “diet.” On the other hand, it hurts to think that she is making excuses to enable me in my “diet.” She is always telling me that one day this will fit or that will look good on me…one day. It’s a constant reminder that I am not beautiful yet. More than that, it’s a reminder that I am not enough. I will never be enough. Rather than encouraging me to love myself as I am, she is telling me to keep going. And for the first time in many, many months, I am actually on the verge of tears. Either way, I am going to disappoint my parents yet again. Because that is literally my only talent.
So tonight, I spent time curled up on the bathroom floor following a purge session. I have a stomach-ache and a small tension headache. My stomach is churning and growling. I need a cigarette, but that has been giving me an intense pain in my stomach, much like everything else I do. I have work in the morning and am sleepy but I doubt I will get much sleep. I really would like to just spend the next week sleeping in my bed, curled up with someone warm, under a dozen blankets, and in front of the fire. But I’m a big fat fatty who has no one to curl up with. Not that I deserve anyone anyway.