Tonight I decided to walk the dog and take the trash to the dumpsters. Not a big walk, just across the apartment complex. I only had 2 small grocery sacks of trash. I thought it would be nice since I’ve been working so much that I haven’t spent time with my puppy-guppy. About a third of the way there, I ran out of energy. My body suddenly just gave up. I forced myself to make it, the dog pulling me along. But I had to sit and rest before walking back. I actually considered calling someone to come pick me up, but since it’s less than 2 blocks, I figured that trying to explain why I was so weak would be more work than just forcing myself. When I finally did make it back, I had to stop and sit on the stairs before going up to my flat.
I can run around and work my ass off at the shop, but tonight there just wasn’t anything left to give. I go back and forth between freezing and burning up. My stomach is hurting so bad that I just want to throw up. Of course there is literally nothing in it to come up, since I haven’t eaten. When I do eat, anything, the pain in my stomach is so intense that I just want to curl up. The only thing I can compare it to is cramps. It’s like my stomach wants to kill me. I suppose fasting for days at a time will do that, however. The cigarettes seem to make the stomach pains worse. The weed numbs all of that, however, it makes me want to eat. And, again, eating makes me sick. It’s a vicious cycle and I hate it.
When did it get this bad?