Every now and again, Ana is quiet. During these couple of days of respite from her madness, I am able to eat and not feel entirely disgusted. I have been dying for chicken nuggets for a couple of weeks now, it’s my go-to desire when I’m stoned out of my mind. Well with Ana quiet, I was able to eat 4 little nuggets from McDonald’s. I wanted to purge, but I didn’t. I had mentioned my wanting nuggets to my mum. She suggested I get some and then eat a couple but give all the rest to little sister. She never suggested that I could just eat the nuggets myself. I know this was the right idea, not ruining my “diet,” but I really wish she would have, IDK. I’m just frustrated with everything right now.
I almost hate when Ana is quiet. This sounds crazy, why would I want to hate myself? But it’s become such a part of me, that without it, I’m lost. All I know is that when I look in the mirror, all I see is fat. What terrifies me about the silence is that I may lose control and just gain back ALL of my weight and then some. I can’t go back to that. I would give up the entirety of food to avoid going back. Do I think I look good? Hell no, and also sorta yes. I think compared to what I was, I look pretty good. Do I think I’m pretty or an ok size, NEVER! When I look in the mirror, most of the time I think I still look the same size as I did before. It’s only when I put on clothes that are so much smaller that I realize how much I have lost. I can’t go back to that. So without the constant screaming of self-hatred, I am lost and more easily swayed into eating.
I’m sorry if this post is scattered and confusing. I don’t concentrate as well lately. I forget things all the time, even right after someone tells me something. Honestly, between the anorexia and the drugs, plus the occasional blackout from drinking, my brain is shit.
