Ana has been quiet lately

Every now and again, Ana is quiet.  During these couple of days of respite from her madness, I am able to eat and not feel entirely disgusted.  I have been dying for chicken nuggets for a couple of weeks now, it’s my go-to desire when I’m stoned out of my mind.  Well with Ana quiet, I was able to eat 4 little nuggets from McDonald’s.  I wanted to purge, but I didn’t.  I had mentioned my wanting nuggets to my mum.  She suggested I get some and then eat a couple but give all the rest to little sister.  She never suggested that I could just eat the nuggets myself.  I know this was the right idea, not ruining my “diet,” but I really wish she would have, IDK.  I’m just frustrated with everything right now.

I almost hate when Ana is quiet.  This sounds crazy, why would I want to hate myself?  But it’s become such a part of me, that without it, I’m lost.  All I know is that when I look in the mirror, all I see is fat.  What terrifies me about the silence is that I may lose control and just gain back ALL of my weight and then some.  I can’t go back to that.  I would give up the entirety of food to avoid going back.  Do I think I look good?  Hell no, and also sorta yes.  I think compared to what I was, I look pretty good.  Do I think I’m pretty or an ok size, NEVER!  When I look in the mirror, most of the time I think I still look the same size as I did before.  It’s only when I put on clothes that are so much smaller that I realize how much I have lost.  I can’t go back to that.  So without the constant screaming of self-hatred, I am lost and more easily swayed into eating.

I’m sorry if this post is scattered and confusing.  I don’t concentrate as well lately.  I forget things all the time, even right after someone tells me something.  Honestly, between the anorexia and the drugs, plus the occasional blackout from drinking, my brain is shit.


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