Ugh

So my elderly Aunt is most likely suffering from Alzheimer’s.  The violent mood swings, forgetfulness, and confusion have progressed to a point where she is paranoid that people are out to get her.  Her newest symptom is this paranoia.  She has decided that I am trying to drive her crazy by hiding her things.  She believes that I sneak over to her house at night to rearrange and hide things she uses.  I do not now, nor have I ever had a key for her place.  Nevertheless, she believes that I, someone working 2 jobs, has the time to sneak over and do such inane things. She even has proof!  Apparently in a phone call we had, regarding me losing something of hers, she told me she finally found X and that I asked her “did you find anything else there?”  This conversation has never occurred, at least not with me.  In fact, the last time I spoke to my Aunt was at the hospital when my uncle had surgery.  Not only was X lost, but Y was also lost and they were found together, most definitely hidden by me, in an attempt to make her crazy.  Needless to say, I am forbidden from ever entering the home without a chaperon, for my protection of course.

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The other night the family went to an event.  Mother knew nearly every person at this event.  I had not seen some of these people in a couple of years.  So obviously I looked different.  I was late coming, and mother had been there socializing the entire time.  Moments after arriving, I was passed from old acquaintance to old acquaintance as they all told me how gorgeous I looked and how changed and how beautiful and how the men must be falling over themselves, and on and on and on.  I plastered on the shy but gracious smile and said thank you, my mind was creaming all the while about the fat cow that I am and how worthless and how there were no men bc I have nothing a man would want.  And then the topic of HOW came up.  How did you lose that weight?  I’m saying that “its Paleo” with my mouth but my mind is screaming about the anorexia and how I intend to purge this meal you just forced me to eat.  And the oohs and ahhs begin and a brief explanation of this or that occurs, all the while I’m desperate to escape.  And she would have gotten away with it if she hadn’t made one fatal flaw.  She got cocky, wanted to have some recognition for her genius plan.  Mother asked if “I now believed how pretty I was because those people would never lie.”  I almost believed those people were actually complimenting me, telling me I’m gorgeous but actually meaning it as well.  But I caught her in her web.  She had buttered them all up before hand, most likely with some funny or heartwarming story and then the news from the home front (this is where my weight loss would fall) and once this has concluded, some topic will be selected from all those previously mentioned and that will be the conversation.  She knew my dramatic change would be selected.  Once the topic is chosen, more detail is given, such as how, why, when…  Then the clincher, mum would have a sad story about how she just knows I can’t believe I’m pretty.  This will reel them in every time.  She has underhandedly convinced them all to tell me how beautiful I am.  But what could mum’s motivation be?  Ah yes, she wants grandchildren.  So if I magically decide to love myself and see myself as beautiful, then I will attract a man or two, one of which will somehow provide her with grandchildren.  So she wins.  Her orchestrated plan, broken the moment she got cocky and needed some of the accolades.  After all, I only attended the event because she suggested it.

I will say that was the first time in my entire life that anyone has ever described me as gorgeous and beautiful.  The first time…EVER.  But of course I couldn’t focus on that, no I was focused on the fact that these people must have looked at me before with utter disgust.  Clearly it was too much to try to tell me I was pretty before.  This just proves how ugly I was, and still am.  Although someone did tell me I have a great smile.  I’ve never heard that before either.  I want to believe that, but I just don’t know if I can.

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