Showing off

I’m not a church person, there was a time in my life when I was into that.  I actually considered joining a convent at one time.  But as the time progressed, I gave up on such things.  For a variety of reasons, none of which have anything to do with what I’m writing about today.  The point is, my family was in thick with the church members at a particular church in town.  We volunteered for damn near everything.  Most people knew me as so and so’s daughter, despite the amount of things I did there.  Its been over a year since I attended services or saw those people.  I just can’t deal with their hypocrisy.  But I have this desire to slip in undetected and watch them all.  Simply because none of them will recognize me.  And then I want to see how many of them figure out who I am.  It’s a test of sorts.  To see just who paid attention and who didn’t.  I have lost 120 pounds, cut my hair and dyed it, and I dress COMPLETELY different, now.  The only way to tell it’s me is to look at my eyes, which may be glazed over at times but are still the same eyes.

I’m not even remotely close to my goal, but I still want to show off a little.  Perhaps I’m in a good mood lately.  Perhaps I’m beyond amazed that I have managed to lose anything.  When I look in the mirror, I still think I look the same.  I have some “before” pictures that prove I have changed A LOT.  But I still see the same body when I look in the mirror.

I know, and can feel, that this disorder is taking a toll on my body.  If you’ve ever felt that then you know what I’m talking about.  Unfortunately, the desire to finally be beautiful is more powerful than the fear of killing myself.  After all, sometimes committing suicide has nothing to do with pulling the trigger or slicing your wrists.  Sometimes it has to do with excessive use of substances and destroying your body slowly.  Suicide isn’t always fast, it can take years of destroying every organ in your body, patiently waiting for it to finally give out.  Sometimes it’s just accepting that you will never have children to watch grow up.  You will never see certain places or people again, simply because you won’t live for enough years to experience that again.  Sometimes it’s just accepting the fate and letting it happen.  So if I’m having a good day then I intend to show off and ride the high until the self-hatred and disgust return to my body.


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