Suspecting and Not Deserving

What do you do when people around you suspect that you have a problem? You lie and lie until they believe the shit you tell them.

Some coworkers may be suspicious of my eating habits.  I have built in the fool-proof plan of following an extremely rigid diet, this keeps them from wondering too much.  However, some of them seem to be noticing more than they should.  TBH, I like that people have noticed me and what I’m doing.  This is a new thing for me, usually I hide in the background, unseen by anyone.  My entire life has been like that, not popping up on anyone’s radar.  But some coworkers have taken to sending me pictures of their dinner every night or asking me to go out to eat with them.  My one friend knows I don’t always eat and the thought of her hanging out with my parents, something they are all open too, is quite honestly terrifying.  I worry that one of them will say something and then the whole thing will come out.  My boss likes to mention that “cavemen didn’t eat that” every time I mention something I have eaten or something I like.  (I follow a caveman type diet, if you were curious.  Paleo.)  I don’t mind her saying it but it does make me feel guilty.

Speaking of guilt, I thought I would make a list of reasons why I don’t deserve to eat every day.

  1. I am fat.  This will always be the main reason for starving myself.
  2. I am stupid.  Whenever I do something incorrectly or make a mistake of any kind, I immediately want to punish myself.  I punish myself by starving myself.  If I wasn’t so entirely idiotic, I could have some dinner.
  3. I ate last night, yesterday, the other day… Ultimately, if I ate in the past 5 days, it counts as eating and so I don’t need to eat anything.
  4. I’m only faking being hungry.  That’s not hunger, its a lie.  You just want to eat because you are bored.
  5. I desperately wish to be beautiful.  Beautiful people don’t eat, certainly not pizza and cookies, anyway.
  6. I’m not a good person.  Only good people deserve the reward of food.  I’m a terrible, hateful, spoiled brat.
  7. Food is evil.  Less about deserving and more about how my mind functions.
  8. I’m lying about my ed anyway.  I can stop this anytime I want…
  9. I’m lazy.  I get everyone else around me to do the work and I just watch.  Lazy ppl don’t deserve dinner.

 

Sorry if my posts are becoming more and more disjointed.  I can’t seem to remember things from moment to moment each day.  Unfortunately it’s affecting my job.  I worry that people will notice the lack of concentration and memory in me.  I can’t seem to make sense of things, I’m constantly confused and lost.  On top of that, my stomach gives me fits when I do eat anything and the pain from that is worse than not eating.

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One comment on “Suspecting and Not Deserving

  1. You don’t seem to be in a good place in your mind. You might need to talk to a doctor who knows about eating disorders. You do deserve to be happy and you should eat a healthy diet. It shouldn’t hurt to eat please don’t continue down the road you are on

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