I’ve gotten a bit sick lately.  Following an ear piercing, both ears became infected, requiring me to remove one earring.  I am holding out on the other because I really don’t want to re-pierce both ears again.  But the small infection coupled with fasting for 5 days has left me pale, noticeably so,  and weak.  I am to the point of being exhausted just walking up the steps to my apartment (exactly 16 steps up).  All I want to do is sleep.  I did finally get high enough to force myself to eat last night, but that left me sick to my stomach and angry with myself.  I usually only eat a meal on Sunday unless I have a day off during the week and must spend it with my parents.  Its hard to get out of eating when you spend the whole day taking your mother places.  She always wants to have lunch out.

So all I have done in the past week is lay in bed, I have gone and done some things, but I get so worn out that when I get home, sleep.  I’ve always been a good sleeper, until this all started.  I can go for days without sleep or with very little.  But since I hit bottom, starving myself, I just get more tired.  I really just want someone to hold me while I sleep.  But of course that idea brings up 2 people—one who finds me too wild for his taste, and the other who drugged me so he could get exactly what he wanted.  The first one is who I want to hold me, but the second one actually did.  Why is this happening to me?

TBH, I really would love to send an email to the first one.  He cut ties because I’m not what he wanted, but he’s all I think about when I get high or drunk.  He’s not hot, not muscular, not toned, not even handsome.  He’s a complete nerd, glasses and all.  But he talked to me, acted like I was important.  And then he saw how destructive I am, how screwed up, and he dropped me like a bad tomato.  So here I am, somewhat broken over a guy I never even dated.  I know I shouldn’t care, since he obviously doesn’t care about me, but I do care.


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