(Yay, double post day!)
Sometimes I look around my complex and wonder if there is anyone else living here who is suffering like this. There are so many units, it’s possible. Sometimes I think about meeting the internet friends I talk to, the ones battling similar issues, but then I remember how much of a whale I am and I can’t bear the thought of them judging me as a hypocrite, only faking the illness to lose weight.
TBH, I’m not really sure why the thought initially popped into my head, I remember being very depressed, this last relapse. I remember the notion that I didn’t deserve to eat anymore. I would workout in the middle of the night while I watched movies, unable to sleep. I stopped eating lots of things, and I would eat small portions to make it seem like I ate. I was finally able to cut out lots of things when Lent came around, pretended I wasn’t eating things bc I gave them up for Jesus. But as to what actually made this happen, IDK. I don’t remember how I got started the first time. I’m still not convinced I have an actual illness. I’m constantly worried that people think I’m just faking, and then I worry that maybe I am just faking it for attention. The people who have some notion of what I’m doing don’t seem concerned at all, so maybe I am faking. What I do know is I have lost more than 100 lbs in 8 months.