Just wondering and Starting

(Yay, double post day!)

Sometimes I look around my complex and wonder if there is anyone else living here who is suffering like this.  There are so many units, it’s possible.  Sometimes I think about meeting the internet friends I talk to, the ones battling similar issues, but then I remember how much of a whale I am and I can’t bear the thought of them judging me as a hypocrite, only faking the illness to lose weight.

TBH, I’m not really sure why the thought initially popped into my head, I remember being very depressed, this last relapse.  I remember the notion that I didn’t deserve to eat anymore.  I would workout in the middle of the night while I watched movies, unable to sleep.  I stopped eating lots of things, and I would eat small portions to make it seem like I ate.  I was finally able to cut out lots of things when Lent came around, pretended I wasn’t eating things bc I gave them up for Jesus.  But as to what actually made this happen, IDK.  I don’t remember how I got started the first time.  I’m still not convinced I have an actual illness.  I’m constantly worried that people think I’m just faking, and then I worry that maybe I am just faking it for attention.  The people who have some notion of what I’m doing don’t seem concerned at all, so maybe I am faking.  What I do know is I have lost more than 100 lbs in 8 months.

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2 comments on “Just wondering and Starting

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