Everything is crazy.  My mother had my father roll her an entire pack of spliffs, half of which she smoked yesterday and proceeded to spend the day laughing hysterically.  Its been more than 30 years since she got high.  She insisted that her birthday gifts include paraphernalia and more weed.  She also has this crazy idea to grow the stuff in with her flowers in the front yard.  Woman is nuts.

Dearest little sister and I were hanging out the other night.  As usual she was eating fast food.  I was considering stealing a fry or two, I was so hungry.  It was nearly midnight and we were hanging out in the park in the dark.  As usual, her conversation drifted to the size of her wrists.  TBH, I think its her favorite topic, it comes up a lot.  She does have very small wrists. But in the midst of me feeling decent about myself, for a microsecond, she brought it up again.  She was worried they would break easily since they are so small.  And just like that she shut me down one more time.  I wanted to fall apart.  She has no idea that what she says and does throws me into a depression and self-hatred episode.  She’s also the only person who knows I have a disorder.  I doubt she believes me, however.  She never encourages me to eat, never even suggests it.  She says nothing when we go out and I order iced tea instead of a meal.  She complains about never eating, like she has a disorder.  I really just want to tell her that someone who eats chili cheese fries and chipotle bowls on a regular basis, someone who pigs out literally every time we do anything, is NOT suffering from Anorexia.  I don’t care if you claim to have lost weight, you don’t hate your body in the same way I do.  So when she talks about her size or how she skipped a few meals here and there, it breaks me further.

I get dizzy when I stand too quick, work literally exhausts me.  I can only force myself to eat when I’m stoned, and then I feel so guilty, I end up throwing up.  I’ve hit a point now where even when I do eat a little bit, I still manage to lose weight.  Nearly a pound a day, again.  I’m still a cow.  Its getting cooler now and I know I will freeze to death this winter.  I don’t produce any body heat on my own anymore.  I sit in bed shivering while wrapped in blankets.  Literally the only thing I want is for someone to wrap their arms around me and hold me until I’m warm.  So for no reason at all, except the ed, I am back to a depressed mood.

IT could have something to do with the lack of sleep I’ve been getting.  Somewhere around 4 hours last night.  I’m so tired I want to cry.  I had a snack, two actually tho one came up, last night.  That made me angry too.  I wasn’t really hungry, I was lying to myself.  I claimed to be hungry, claimed I needed to eat something.  I didn’t deserve the snack.  Broke a fast I was on, as well.  Although that isn’t saying much since I fast everyday, forcing myself to go for a week on about 100-200 calories.  Leaves me exhausted and unable to sleep but its the only way I can survive without hating myself more.  When I don’t eat I do better, I feel proud, or I feel less angry.  So yes I skip every meal everyday.  I’m used to the chronic headache now.  I don’t mind the growling stomach.  I only mind how tired I look.  So tired that makeup can’t hide it from the world, tho few people mention it.  I also grow tired of being cold.  In a hoodie under a blanket and I’m shivering.  The only good thing about that is it burns calories.



2 comments on “Insanity

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
    …………..and, if you don’t mind me asking……… how much do you weigh right now? just out of curiosity. no judgment I promise
    I hope you get through this soon and start feeling better, about yourself and in general.


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