What about me?

My little sister is thin, about 106 lbs.  I have said before that I don’t think she is that thin, her collar bones don’t show and all that. But she is smaller, lighter.  My issue is that I CONSTANTLY have to hear how small she is.  My mum always says to her, “gosh look how pretty you are,” “look at those long legs,” “your father better get a gun,” and most recently, “what are we down to now, bc you look like you have lost weight.”  Meanwhile, in the land of disordered eating, I’m standing in the background and the only questions I get are “how much weight have you lost now,” and “it looks like your hips are finally going away.” I have lost over 100 lbs in 7 months and all you can think to say to me is “hey your hips are getting smaller.”  Every single day its the same thing.  And every single time it makes me stop eating or purge or put a razor to my arm.  My father just keeps telling me how proud he is of me for finally losing weight.  And every time I say to myself, you wouldn’t be if you knew what I was doing.

My hands shake frequently now, but I kinda like the feeling.  I get dizzy when I stand too quickly, but I kinda like that feeling too.  When I purged last night, blood was in the vomit and it didn’t scare me.  Four days of fasting while working full-time left me exhausted  but proud of myself.  I have enough self-control to tell myself “no” when I’m high AF and that makes me smile.

Sometimes I imagine what it will be like when I’m finally thin enough, but then I remember I won’t be thin enough until I weigh what I did at birth, just over 5 lbs, and that makes me sad.  When I purge and can’t get it all out, that makes me angry at myself.  When you don’t notice my cries for help, I become depressed.  I think about cutting a lot more lately and that scares me.  I crave stronger drugs and the shaky side effects and the blocking out of the entire world and that terrifies me.  I no longer see a future for me, I don’t think I will even have a future.  I won’t grow old and have dozens of grandchildren piled on the floor in front of a nice fire on a cold winter night.  I won’t have a career or my own home.  I won’t have anything I hoped for when I was 10.  And that leaves me dead inside.

I just want someone to notice what I’m doing and actually care enough to try to stop me, but I also don’t want anyone to notice because then they might try to stop me before I’m beautiful and I can’t stop.  I must be beautiful.  Somewhere buried inside the layers of nastiness is a beautiful woman and I can’t stop until that comes out.

Today my brain keeps telling me how disgusting I am, and I keep listening.  I keep fighting back tears, because even all alone in my house I can’t allow myself to cry.  Crying is for people in pain and I’m just faking the pain anyway.  I don’t really have a problem, I’m just making everything up.  I must be seeking attention, right?  I seem to want ppl to notice, so it must be a way to get attention, right?

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone out there or am I just losing my mind one brain cell at a time?

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4 comments on “What about me?

  1. This is so sad. It’s so horrible to feel less than someone else but it’s not true. You may not be as slim, but that is not everything. I bet you have some brilliant qualities that your sister would kill for – or she should anyway! Sometimes it’s hard being the perfect one too though, she may also envy you and how you’re not constantly under pressure to be perfect.

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  2. That life in your is what gives you worth you know…that breath of life in you is the most valuable thing on earth. You are the most valuable thing on earth. I could never find anything more valuable than you. I could gather up all the wealth and riches of this world, and it would never compare to you. Your beautiful amazing life is worth everything. And how you look on the outside doesn’t determine that worth. Your value can never decrease, you will always be precious and priceless.

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  3. Stop listening to those wrong voices in your mind. Those are all lies of I don’t know what devil. If you get on like that you’ll kill yourself. Remember, the purpose of your life on earth is not to please people. Please God, please yourself first before any other.
    You have a wrong self-image i can assure you that.

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  4. Every person is a unique being created by God. He does not create duplicates. You were not created to be like your sister. How will you feel if all the flowers were the same shape and sizes? If all women were the same shape and sizes how will men choose? If we all had the same faces how will we be differentiated. celebrate the fact that you are unique. Feel free to be you. don’t be another person’s photocopy.

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