Getting Stoned

Last night I was stoned out of my mind.  Not unusual for me, btw.  But all I could think about was cheeseburgers.  Oh god how I wanted one.  I have learned that while drugs make you relax and forget, the evil voice telling you that certain foods are forbidden still manages to shine through the purple haze.  As long as I eat ED-Approved foods, things I have determined to be safe to eat, then I don’t fret the munchies, but if the french fries or cheeseburgers enter my mind, I chastise myself.  It harshes the mellow a bit but I don’t have a choice.

On a different note, I have taken to preventing myself from eating by not owning groceries.  I have mustard and some sauerkraut in the fridge right now.   I am so hungry.  I know I need to go to the grocery store today, but the problem is everything sounds so delicious that I know I will spend too much money on things I don’t need to eat anyway.  I keep thinking about meat and cheese, two things I never eat.  I know I need the protein, but the calories are overwhelming.  Life on less than 300 calories a day is challenging.  I managed to fast for 2 days this past week.  I was drained and dizzy, work was hell, and I forgot to do some important things, but I did lose a pound!  My fingernails are so brittle they have been breaking off again.  I have bags and circles under my eyes.  I am pale and weak.  But I am also the size of a whale.  So yes, I will go to the store today, and I will NOT buy everything I want.

I need to save my money for Europe, after all.  I intend to backpack across Europe next year.  It may kill me, but I am doing it.

Also, my mother has been in an EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD mood for the past couple weeks.  Something bad is coming, I know it.

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