Yesterday at work we were talking about apples and applesauce.  My boss was telling us about a tree her father grafted to produce 5 different apples.  Then she explained about the homemade applesauce from the tree.  My family always makes applesauce at home as well.  As it turns out, I had eaten a small bowl of applesauce for dinner the night before.  Our sauce is not sweetened, so a half cup is only 50 calories.  Without realizing what I said, I mentioned that I had eaten applesauce for dinner the night before.  The conversation STOPPED.  I got shocked looks and my friend looked at me and said “but you need protein.”  I tried to fix it but did not succeed.  Fortunately we needed to get back to work and I hope everyone forgot that.  I need to be more careful.

Yesterday I ate 2 peaches, a few raspberries, a fruit strip that’s 45 calories, and some Amish Slaw we canned last year (its cabbage and carrots with no cream sauce).  I even got stoned and didn’t binge!  I’m starving right now but I lost a pound, so I know I can’t eat today.  Unfortunately that means I have to stay away from my parent’s house, because they have chips and goodies lying around that makes me want to eat.  My mom always says to me “don’t break your diet to try the chips” which breaks me a little more.  She thinks it’s a diet.  Whenever I go out with her, she takes me to eat and I should be grateful but it makes me crazy.  The problem is, I feel obligated to eat with them so that they don’t become suspicious.

That’s something to remember, if you have people who might notice you not eating, make sure that they see you eat SOMETHING.  It doesn’t matter what it is, but always let them see you eating.  I don’t need to worry about my roommate for 2 reasons. 1) she doesn’t know I don’t eat dinner at work (I get off at 7 each night) and 2) I go out almost every night and she has no idea where I go or if I’m eating.  So should she ever ask, I can say I already ate or I will eat when I’m out with friends later.  I also try to take approved snacks to work.  Like my seaweed sheets, only 15 calories for the package.  They see me eat some things and then no one questions.

What no one realizes is that I haven’t eaten enough calories to sustain my body properly in 8 months.  Even when I binge it’s barely 1000 calories and I haven’t done that but twice.  When I do binge I try to force myself to purge.  Since I am so picky, I keep my groceries separate from my roommate’s.  I don’t even have a desire to eat the crap she brings in (she lives on breakfast sandwiches, Klondike bars, and diet coke).  My side of the fridge is empty.  I just don’t go to the grocery store.  Unfortunately, my dog is almost out of food, so I have to go tonight and buy some things.  I know I will end up buying stuff I don’t need and then I will have food for when I’m stoned and I will gain weight.

The thought of even gaining a few ounces makes me sick.  It fills me with this hopeless notion that I will never be thin and beautiful.  I have lost over 100 pounds in 7 months.  Even though people keep telling me how great I look, I don’t see it.  I see my clothes hanging off of me but when I look at my body it looks massive, because it is.  I can’t think straight anymore.  I forget things and get lost.  I get tired.  I fake it, force myself to hide that, but the dark circles under my eyes won’t go away, even with makeup they show.  I know my organs must be suffering.  Between the drugs I’ve been trying and starving myself, I really will be dead by 40.


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