Where I am right now

So with work and everything, I haven’t been posting as much.  I am still here, still starving myself everyday and engaging in countless questionable activities.  Following my last post, I got myself tested for everything…EVERYTHING.  Now I just wait for the results.  Unfortunately this also means I need to be retested in a few months, just to be certain.  In describing everything to a friend who has experience with these drugs, as well as the doctor at the clinic, it was determined that this was indeed a date-rape drug in my system.  I just can’t prove it.

I have gotten to where I no longer panic when I pull into the complex.  The most disturbing thing is that he contacted me once or twice afterwards.  I think he wanted to see if I remembered anything or if I was going to report him.  Its disgusting.  But I also blame myself, so I can’t say anything.

On a happier note, I have a plan for next year!  I want to backpack across Europe.  I am saving money from work and putting together a travel plan.  I’ve told a few people about it, mostly supportive!  All I know is that I don’t want to settle down into a home and bills and have a nice career and go to community picnics.  That all sounds like torture.  I want adventure and exploration.  I want freedom.  I want to see the world before we destroy it.

So this is where I am now.  I’ve lost 95 lbs, the thought disgusts me bc I have SOOOOOO far to go still.  I am getting used to the flowery taste in my mouth, a constant when your body digests itself, FYI.  I don’t look any different.  I feel just as big and ugly.  When I look in the mirror, every once in a blue moon, I see myself thinner, like how I actually look.  But it’s only a flash and then I see the huge body again.  When I have eaten too much in a day, I can stand in front of the mirror and actually see myself growing, I also feel my collar bones getting covered in fat again.  This is a daily, sometimes more often, occurrence.  I know logically that its impossible to watch your body get fatter in the span of 3 minutes, but I can see it happening in the mirror.  I really have no idea what I look like.  All I know is what the scale shows and that number is horrifying.  One thing I do know is that my folks keep telling me how great I look and how proud they are of me.  And I keep thinking how disappointed they will be when they find the truth.  I also know that while trying on clothes yesterday, my mother said I should wait to get something until I’ve lost another 20 lbs.  That almost broke me.  It’s another thing I’ll file away in the back of my head and drag out when I’m feeling particularly low.

Sorry if this post is jumbled, I’m not thinking as clearly these days, thanks in part to a number of vices.

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