Fasting

Just finishing day two of a fast.  I have had exactly zero calories since Monday evening and it is now Wednesday night.  A few more days of this should take care of putting me back on track.  I haven’t even had alcohol which is actually kind of killing me.  I would kill a man for some good weed rn.  Speaking of which, I discovered just how incredibly powerful an eating disorder can be—even stoned off my ass I still convince myself that I’m not hungry or that I can’t eat that.  When I say stoned off my ass, I mean the night is a blur, I mean I was zoned out to zombie status.  And I still convinced myself that food was evil and I couldn’t have anything.  I guess I’m glad I can get high without gaining a ton of weight but Jesus fucking Christ, won’t this insanity ever end?

On another note, my bitch of a mother is back to the silent treatment.  So much for a week of mock-happiness.  I am once more the spawn of Satan himself.  I should care but I am so used to her hurtful words and dismissive attitude that I just take any pain out on myself.  After all, she has dismissed me so frequently in my life that I know I am not worth anything to anyone.  The sad thing is, the one person I trusted to protect me, never has.

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