Just finishing day two of a fast. I have had exactly zero calories since Monday evening and it is now Wednesday night. A few more days of this should take care of putting me back on track. I haven’t even had alcohol which is actually kind of killing me. I would kill a man for some good weed rn. Speaking of which, I discovered just how incredibly powerful an eating disorder can be—even stoned off my ass I still convince myself that I’m not hungry or that I can’t eat that. When I say stoned off my ass, I mean the night is a blur, I mean I was zoned out to zombie status. And I still convinced myself that food was evil and I couldn’t have anything. I guess I’m glad I can get high without gaining a ton of weight but Jesus fucking Christ, won’t this insanity ever end?
On another note, my bitch of a mother is back to the silent treatment. So much for a week of mock-happiness. I am once more the spawn of Satan himself. I should care but I am so used to her hurtful words and dismissive attitude that I just take any pain out on myself. After all, she has dismissed me so frequently in my life that I know I am not worth anything to anyone. The sad thing is, the one person I trusted to protect me, never has.