I’m falling apart

I think I might finally be falling apart.  I can think of nothing but fasting, getting drunk, and finding something to make me high.  I didn’t eat today, just because.  I had no reason not to eat other than my mind said don’t eat.  So I skipped every meal and had a beer later instead.  I suppose that counts as food.  I miss the carefree feeling of being totally wasted.  I want to go back to that feeling, immediately if possible.  I don’t know how I got here, but the only time I can be really relaxed is when I’m trashed.  I want someone to hold me and say it will be ok.  Of course that can never happen because I don’t trust ANYONE enough to tell them what’s going on.  Not even ppl I thought I might be able to trust.  Nope, in the end they let you down.  Break your heart and leave you to bleed alone, leave you to build the walls higher and thicker.  JFC I can’t even have friends bc I can’t trust ppl enough to be a friend.  What the hell is happening to me?

Some moments I don’t even want to be alive.

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3 comments on “I’m falling apart

  1. It’s sad when we realize how truly alone we are. You’re right in not trusting. Take your own sweet time to open up, take forever if you want. Someone who thinks you’re worth it will still be there.

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    • Thanks, I just feel like I should be able to trust ppl. Like, why can’t I seem to believe that someone out there ISN’T going to hurt me? It’s frustrating as hell.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s not a nice world out there, despite all we learn from children’s books. Is there anyone who won’t hurt us? And how do we find out who that person is? It’s just an effed up world and I have taken to holding my heart in my own hands rather than showing it to people around. I know, I sound so gloomy!

        Like

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