Some ups and downs

Hey guys, it’s been a while since I posted something.  I’ve been having some ups and downs lately.  FOr starters, I’ve been drinking, a lot.  It numbs the pain, numbs the emotions.  Plus I enjoy that drunk feeling of not thinking about anything.  I’ve also been craving the drugs all the time.  When it got so bad, the other day, I finally took a razor to my fore arm.  I have several small slices there now.  It’s weirdly satisfying to look at the marks.  I must be totally screwed up.  My parents have been on my case about everything and nothing.  Some of that is my mother’s bipolar and her mood swings.  Some of that is their OBVIOUS disappointment in me.  I can’t win, so I just build more walls.  Shut more ppl out.

But there have been some ups in there too.  I had lunch with the cute boy.  He invited me to meet his friends when they go see the new Avengers movie this Friday.  Of course that means I need to see ALL the previous movies.  Cute boy was more than happy to help me with that.  I feel so happy and relaxed when I spend time with him.  I think I actually sleep at night after time with him.  It’s still only about 6 hours but I don’t have to force myself to lay down.  I actually want to be a better person, someone he could actually be proud to call a friend.  There is no way he feels anything more than friendship for me.  I’m not pretty, special, worthy…enough for him.  But I enjoy the friendship.

So with the ups and downs, I have been all over the map.  I eat, I don’t eat.  I fast, I binge.  I purge, a lot.  I argue with myself.  I reason with myself.  I get stuck in my head.  I just want to party–HARD.  But this side I must keep hidden bc ppl don’t understand minds like mine.

So this is me, rn.  Still struggling to keep it together.

On a side note, I have started the Paleo Diet.  I’m still vegetarian so basically the only change is cutting out dairy, grains, and sugars.  I also still calorie count and restrict using the Crazy Skinny Girl Diet.  Not doing good with cal counts lately.  But that’s another story entirely.

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