I have been dealing with a war inside me. On one side is this smart, sweet, caring, even person who loves puppies and flowers. On the other side is a dark, hurtful, secretive, wild person who loves alcohol and drugs. Both exist inside me, both are necessary for me to be me. However, in the past 6 months, the darker me has taken over.
At first, I didn’t understand. I didn’t see why I was changing, or really THAT I was changing. But I know I am hurting those I love and I can’t explain why. Until now, that is.
See, last night it hit me. My Yang side, the sweet and bright side, is very easily hurt. That side of me cries over dead animals and sappy movies (though I swear to God if you tell anyone I cry when I watch those movies, I will hunt you down). Over the years, having my beautiful Yang side out in the cold harsh world, it had become so trampled and broken, that I was faltering. This is the side of me that was especially susceptible to attacks from my mother’s mood swings. I am not sure if reading a certain book helped me to build my walls, helped me to see it’s not okay to be hurt, or if I came to that notion on my own. Either way, I decided it was no longer fair to have my sweet Yang continue to be destroyed. So I built, I built walls, I built towers, I built a fortress. I shut down emotionally. I allowed the Yin side to take over. He has enveloped me entirely, blocking every arrow and bullet that comes my way. While he is on guard, my Yang is able to relax and heal.
Where am I now? I am still shielded by the Yin. I enjoy drinking to excess, and repeatedly blacking out. I crave drugs, hard drugs, though have not bought any yet. I think about partying and sleeping around. I stay up all night and sleep all day. I occasionally want to cut myself. I have thought about dying. I am destroying myself, and I’m okay with that.
I don’t know if the sides will ever balance out, but I do know I have done this all before. When I become too hurt, to broken, I retreat.
Right now my biggest fear is destroying any possibility with the cute guy I am hanging out with. We are just friends but I don’t want to lose the possibility of it becoming more and I surely can’t lose the friendship.