I honestly have no idea if I even finished the damn ABC Diet. With Easter stuck in there, I don’t even know the date today. What I do know is I am so tired. I have done crappy with my Easter candy, though I now have it bagged up and out of sight. I have eaten anything I feel like without regard to the calories, nor have I written it down. I have missed a few days of the gym. Though when I went last night I made a fool out of myself. But that’s a long story for another night.
Yesterday was binge and purge city, though admittedly my binges are like normal meals for real people. Today was going amazing with my fast, ice cubes for dinner, just because. But apparently I found my kryptonite after all. It would seem that fanfiction is my trigger. How fucking lame is that? Its true however. When I read my favorite fanfiction it is all about this beautiful girl and this hot guy and how they are perfect for one another and destined to be together and the sex is awesome and tender and blah blah fucking blah. So why is that my trigger? Because no one will ever find me appealing enough to have sex with me more than once, and only then when I find them on Craigslist, a nasty habit of mine, btw. Even people I think could be interested are usually just being polite. So I will never be that beautiful girl and there will never be a hot guy who just couldn’t live without me in his life for the rest of eternity. I am destined to troll for losers on Craigslist and then begging them to sleep with me.
Now that I know my trigger, I just need to avoid it like the plague since I just screwed my fast with a violent b/p. One that left me laying on the floor of the bathroom for a while because I was too tired to get up and wash my hands. I’m not convinced its all out either and I know I will be revisiting the bathroom shortly. WTF.
Why is it so hard for someone to just love me? I realize I am hideous and disgusting but seriously? Even Honey Boo-Boo’s mom has a man in her life and she is like way more gross than me. What is so wrong with me? I think if I fell asleep and never woke again, no one would care or notice. Just stop being a burden on the people forced to talk to me.
To top it all off, I was on MPA and looked at comments some people had made to a post of mine. I was saying how I had little side effects and was eating only X calories and working out for X. The scare tactics people post are crazy. Like you are going to have a heart attack… What you are doing is going to kill you… Left me feeling depressed and upset and kinda wanting to just eat something. I was thinking how I just wanted to be beautiful and you went and scared me. So I had a b/p to feel better. Good call, right?