Day 42

Well here I am on Day 42, I did great today at only 106 calories.  Cooked dinner and made a tasty new spinach dip with, like, no calories!  I had a couple Roma Tomatoes, about 22 calories each, and that sent my count up.  I have to go to the gym tonight, even though I want to just sleep.  I get so cold lately.  I have also noticed that I am getting anxious when I prepare to eat, even getting to 100 calories makes me panic.  I don’t want any more weight on me.  So when I eat anything, I am constantly trying to cut the calories or talk myself out of it.  I guess I am saving the calories in case I have a binge.  If I don’t eat too much during the day, then I can keep my binge calories low enough to burn in an hour.  Just eating freaks me out.  Plus the nausea I get after eating a single bite of almost anything.  Its not fair.

Lately I have been so depressed.  I just know I will never be beautiful.  I have this war inside me.  One half just wants to be carefree.  The other half is so consumed with being beautiful that I can’t focus on much else.  I think I could have been an amazing person if 2 major differences had occurred–if I had been thin and more accepting of my body AND if I had caring parents, parents who noticed the early signs, the ones in 3rd grade.

I don’t want to be this obsessed, but I can’t accept my current life anymore, so this is me fixing it.  It may not be pretty, but my method has results.  I had a morbid thought today, please don’t judge.  I was thinking about how everyone says that starving yourself just makes your body store fat and you end up gaining weight.  Then I thought about the Holocaust, clearly that notion of starving makes you fat is all a LIE.  Ok, I know that thought is messed up, and I hate myself for thinking it.  Again, please don’t judge me.

I have hours of rant to share, but for your sake, I won’t.  Stay strong…I’m here if you need anything.

KIK: Sorrel29

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