Well here I am on Day 42, I did great today at only 106 calories. Cooked dinner and made a tasty new spinach dip with, like, no calories! I had a couple Roma Tomatoes, about 22 calories each, and that sent my count up. I have to go to the gym tonight, even though I want to just sleep. I get so cold lately. I have also noticed that I am getting anxious when I prepare to eat, even getting to 100 calories makes me panic. I don’t want any more weight on me. So when I eat anything, I am constantly trying to cut the calories or talk myself out of it. I guess I am saving the calories in case I have a binge. If I don’t eat too much during the day, then I can keep my binge calories low enough to burn in an hour. Just eating freaks me out. Plus the nausea I get after eating a single bite of almost anything. Its not fair.
Lately I have been so depressed. I just know I will never be beautiful. I have this war inside me. One half just wants to be carefree. The other half is so consumed with being beautiful that I can’t focus on much else. I think I could have been an amazing person if 2 major differences had occurred–if I had been thin and more accepting of my body AND if I had caring parents, parents who noticed the early signs, the ones in 3rd grade.
I don’t want to be this obsessed, but I can’t accept my current life anymore, so this is me fixing it. It may not be pretty, but my method has results. I had a morbid thought today, please don’t judge. I was thinking about how everyone says that starving yourself just makes your body store fat and you end up gaining weight. Then I thought about the Holocaust, clearly that notion of starving makes you fat is all a LIE. Ok, I know that thought is messed up, and I hate myself for thinking it. Again, please don’t judge me.
I have hours of rant to share, but for your sake, I won’t. Stay strong…I’m here if you need anything.