I have no idea what day I’m on. Somewhere around 40, I think. All I know is I have been staying at or below 200 cals a day. Some friends talked me out of the cake I have in the kitchen. I bought it for my mother because it’s her favorite and she has been REALLY depressed lately. I should say I wanted to cheer her up, but to be honest, I just wanted her to stop accusing me of hating her. No matter, because today was just worse. She wants me to sit in the room with her while she watches tv. Seriously? She said it gets lonely watching it by herself. I just want her to stop her self-destruction, she is killing herself. And yes that sounds incredibly hypocritical coming from me, but BiPolar is not something you screw with. She skips her meds and doesn’t eat healthy. She never gets dressed and doesn’t leave the house. Again, I get it. But when she starts accusing me of things that make no sense, I can’t win. And then my father takes her side. He will tell me sometimes that she is nowhere near as bad as his mother was growing up because she was schizophrenic. Of course all I hear is “you have it great so shut up and quit whining because my life was hell.” I’m not convinced he doesn’t mean that, either.
I get tired of people telling me how to feel or be. Telling me that what I am feeling isn’t bad or doesn’t count. I am an adult, a highly intuitive one at that. I think I am capable of interpreting my own feelings. I guess that is why I have so much self-destruction in me–a desire to control some aspect of my life. Enter the trust issues. Some are because of my insane life, some are just natural (I’m a Scorpio–we don’t trust easily). I keep waiting for someone to hurt me. When I was a kid, before O would introduce myself to another kid, I would always find some fault in them, something I could throw back at them in case they called me names or tried to hurt me. The first thing I thought of was something wrong with them (glasses, fat, dumb, bad teeth, anything). It was my safety net. Another insight into my life.