Managed to get through the day of fasting. I did eat four small radishes, a whopping 1 calorie. I did also have black coffee from Starbucks, which turned out to be 5 calories, of course once I saw that, I was unable to drink anymore, so I had about 2 calories. But of course as night came around, the dizzy and lightheaded feeling was so intense, that I thought I might pass out. Passing out means someone is going to ask “WHY” and we know “why” is a horrible question. So I ate a piece of candy I had stashed in my room. They are for emergencies only, kept locked in my desk, key hidden from sight. I don’t keep the desk locked because of the candy, but rather because of the other important possessions I stash in there. With everything, I clocked in at 49 calories. I am going to the gym, nothing that passes my lips must be allowed to linger.
I have been thinking more about cutting, lately. I haven’t, not since high school. I would sneak away to the bathroom when I needed to feel the relief that blood brought. I kept it hidden until a friend told the counselor, who naturally called my parents. By the time they saw the cuts, my arm was covered. I always kept the cuts shallow enough to avoid scars, I am incredibly vain after all. But lately, I have been thinking about returning to my unsightly ways. In fact, all of my self-destructive behaviors are trying to re-emerge. I have a tendency to hook up with complete strangers, going so far as to meet a married man in a parking lot, one I met on craigslist, just to give him a blow job. I don’t remember any of the names of the guys I have slept with and I don’t think I could describe them either. So between starving myself, working out until I collapse, cutting (or thoughts of), and screwing complete strangers, I am sinking. I will say, I have shown restraint with the sex, lately. Most of that was in my early twenties, with the exception of the married man who was last month. Given the opportunity, I would drink like a fish, but of course calories. Weed sounds like fun, I have no idea how to acquire that, however. Plus, munchies are a destructive force on their own.
I can’t seem to think of anything but food, 24/7. But tonight, while walking through the store with my sister, the aisles of food did not make me hungry, did not make me want. I saw nothing of interest in the candy boxes, the bags of chips, the cookies, the bread. None of it made me want to eat. The airy feeling in my skull made me want to sit down, however. I have noticed that I can’t concentrate as well, lately. I forget things, can’t always form sentences. I get tired half way through a song when it comes on the radio and try to sing along (which is like 98% of my life tbw).
She asked me if I was alright, I said yes. How do you tell your best friend/sister that you think you might be losing your mind. They don’t care, so you don’t share. Motto of my life, right there.
On a lighter note! I finally asked the hot guy at the gym what his name is, and he actually smiled and responded. I’m dying of course. I have never done that before. Yes I am an adult and no I have never dated. Never even been kissed, which is crazy considering the sex. Anyway, he has this smile that lights up his entire face. His eyes twinkle. He is being polite, of course, but I can still pretend. I was just so proud that I had the courage to ask him, he could have told me to go fuck myself and I would still be proud for asking. I don’t know anything about acting normal around men. My parents moved me across the country after middle school and sent me to an all-girls high school. So my exposure to teenage boys was non-existent. Hence the lack of relationships. Not that I have any desire to marry or produce children. But someone to cuddle and hold hands with in the dark would be nice. I just want someone who will ask me if I am okay, and actually know I’m lying when I say yes.
Thus concludes the ramblings of a failing mind.