So Day 34 went well as far as eating. Only 333 calories. Below the count for today, yay me. Except, no, I feel like a pig, like the small amount of weight I lost will crawl back into my skin and burrow into my soul.
In other notes, I have totally pissed of my mother, who swears I am angry at her, and i really just want to say I’m tired of the pain. Of course I don’t. She accused me of finding excuses to hide in my room. I couldn’t deny it, but I didn’t confirm it either.
My cousin invited me to stay with him for a little visit, I would have to take the bus. Far enough away to be AWAY. But then when I asked when would be a good time to visit, he threw all these obstacles in the way. I get it, you need to talk it over with your woman, but Jesus. Don’t get my hopes up and then break them on the rocks. So naturally that voice returns to my head—They don’t want you to visit, they just wanted to shut you up, make you go away.
The hurtful words just keep coming, more and more as the days drag on. Sometimes I feel like I might drown in them, other times I feel like even they have abandoned me. All I see is disgusting, worthless, garbage. I’ve been seriously depressed before. The sad thing is, right now is not even tipping the “Me Depressed” scale. God, I can’t even get depression right. How screwed up is that? F failure.